Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules" from the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST and FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Rajinikanth Door Lock

It's life it happens

Signs She Is Bored In Bed

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your a*s.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Odds and Ends

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Bum Holes".......unacceptable again !

So they tried "Analysis and Anal-cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -- Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

Do you have room up there

A college student on his way between wild parties climbed into the back of a cab and asked the driver,

"Do you have room up there for a large pizza and a six pack of beer?"

"Sure!" answered the cabby.

So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

Yo mama's so greasy

• Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
• Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
• Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
• Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
• Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
• Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
• Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

Talk about the weather

A pharmacist told his new assistant to be polite to every customer that came in. "If you're stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.

When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant was sporting a lovely black eye. "So much for your advice," moaned the assistant.

"What happened?" asked the pharmacist.

"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins. Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was going to be a dull weekend…"

Redneck Christmas

Accident Porn Area

'Here after' routine

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

The Drunk Knight

Weather Forecasting Stone

Work Safely

Traffic summons

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

15 things that SEX and PARKING SPACES share in common

1. You should never have to wait to find one
2. You should be able to slide right into one
3. Spaces in the front are always the best
4. When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
5. It sucks when someone else is double-parked
6. Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
7. It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only compact' spaces
8. A full-size car is good to find
9. People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
10. Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
11. We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
12. A house isn't a home without a parking space
13. Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
14. Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
15. The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

A dollar to wipe arse

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my arse." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with sh*t all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Little Johnny

One fine afternoon a gentleman was walking down the street; and as he came around the corner he spotted a young boy sitting in front of the local candy shop. As he approached, he realized it was his neighbor's kid - Little Johnny.
The boy was shoving sweet tarts and chocolate bars down his throat as fast as possible, so much that it prompted the man to offer some advice: "You know, Johnny, it's not healthy to eat all that candy."
Little Johnny looks up at him and quickly retorts "You know, my grampa lived to be 96 years old."
"Oh," the man replied, "did he eat lots of candy?"
"Nope," retorted Little Johnny, "But he did mind his own damn business!"

Sex Stories

PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, But not enough to live on!'


LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a large one, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
On the day of their 40th wedding anniversary, the husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had a nything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
He could also fly.'

Three drunks

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.