Terms to Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

To Bee a Doctor

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a Bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently ): "How may I to know? All bees looks Same to me."

Mom and Daughter Conversation - Must Read

Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

You're going out?

Yes.

With whom?

With a friend.

I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

I didn't leave him. He left me!

You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

What are you hinting at?

Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he
finds out?

My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me,
he probably never slept alone!

So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

He's not a loser.

A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a
parasite.

I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Poor children with such a mother.

Such as what?

With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

ENOUGH !!!

Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Now you're worried about the loser?

Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Goodbye, mother.

Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Let's name our Leroys

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

Friendship - Men and Women

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

Recession

What is your name

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said, "Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed, said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How soon do you have to know?"

I am Pierre the fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If go down, I go down in flames!"

I can’t do tha

Police Officer Bob pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

Guilty and depressed

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Pay Raise

A young Mexican maid approached boss wife of the bungalow and demanded for a pay raise.

The boss wife got annoyed, upset and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why me demand my pay raise.
Firstly, me iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so, ma'am."
Wife: "Oh, he did."

Maria: "Secondly me a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did ma'am."
Wife: "Oh, he did."

Maria: "And thirdly me a better lover than you."
Wife furious as hell yelled: "And did my husband say that to you too ya?"
Maria: "No Senora, your gardener did."

Wife calmed down and sweetly: OK Maria you have your raise, Mexican
gardener will get his.You and I are good friends now

Birth Control - Old Days

The Simple Truth

THE SIMPLE TRUTH

Don’t you realize you’ve had it

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”

Yo mamma is so fat

Your momma is so fat, she uses a toilet brush to clean out her belly button!

Yo momma's so fat She can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo momma's so fat She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo mamma is so fat she takes showers at car wash.

Talented inventor

A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.
You could not distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise.
He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.
Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship.
The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.
The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?"
The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.
The inventor blew his stack.
He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"
The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"

I just buried my mother-in-law

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.
I just buried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

Rowing a row boat.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Dating Women : Around the World

1. WHITE WOMEN:
a. First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
b. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
c. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMEN:
a. First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
b. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
c. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMEN:
a. First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
b. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
c. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
d. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
e. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

4. JEWISH WOMEN:
a. First Date: You get terrific head.
b. Second Date: You get even more great head.
c. Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. CHINESE WOMEN:
a. First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
b. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
c. Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

6. INDIAN WOMEN:
a. First date: Meet her parents.
b. Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
c. Third date: Wedding night.

7. BLACK WOMEN:
a. First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
b. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
c. Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
d. Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

8. MEXICAN WOMEN:
a. First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
b. Second Date: She’s pregnant.
c. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

9. ARAB WOMEN:
a. First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
b. Second Date: You are shot dead.
c. No third date.

Beer Lake

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.
As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
"Turn the lake into beer," he says.
The genie goes, "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.
He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."