I am Pierre the fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If go down, I go down in flames!"

I can’t do tha

Police Officer Bob pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

Guilty and depressed

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Pay Raise

A young Mexican maid approached boss wife of the bungalow and demanded for a pay raise.

The boss wife got annoyed, upset and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why me demand my pay raise.
Firstly, me iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so, ma'am."
Wife: "Oh, he did."

Maria: "Secondly me a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did ma'am."
Wife: "Oh, he did."

Maria: "And thirdly me a better lover than you."
Wife furious as hell yelled: "And did my husband say that to you too ya?"
Maria: "No Senora, your gardener did."

Wife calmed down and sweetly: OK Maria you have your raise, Mexican
gardener will get his.You and I are good friends now

Birth Control - Old Days

The Simple Truth

THE SIMPLE TRUTH

Don’t you realize you’ve had it

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”

Yo mamma is so fat

Your momma is so fat, she uses a toilet brush to clean out her belly button!

Yo momma's so fat She can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo momma's so fat She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo mamma is so fat she takes showers at car wash.

Talented inventor

A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.
You could not distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise.
He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.
Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship.
The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.
The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?"
The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.
The inventor blew his stack.
He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"
The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"

I just buried my mother-in-law

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.
I just buried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

Rowing a row boat.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Dating Women : Around the World

1. WHITE WOMEN:
a. First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
b. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
c. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMEN:
a. First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
b. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
c. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMEN:
a. First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
b. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
c. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
d. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
e. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

4. JEWISH WOMEN:
a. First Date: You get terrific head.
b. Second Date: You get even more great head.
c. Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. CHINESE WOMEN:
a. First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
b. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
c. Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

6. INDIAN WOMEN:
a. First date: Meet her parents.
b. Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
c. Third date: Wedding night.

7. BLACK WOMEN:
a. First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
b. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
c. Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
d. Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

8. MEXICAN WOMEN:
a. First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
b. Second Date: She’s pregnant.
c. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

9. ARAB WOMEN:
a. First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
b. Second Date: You are shot dead.
c. No third date.

Beer Lake

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.
As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
"Turn the lake into beer," he says.
The genie goes, "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.
He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Do you know

During lunch break one afternoon at work, David and Alex were chatting....

David: Alex, I've been working late every day since I have joined here & hence I got a promotion this appraisal.
Alex: How could it be David? Is that the only secret?
David: No, in the process of staying after office hours, I have also gathered a lot of General Knowledge; & my boss also asked me such questions at appraisal time.
Alex: Like what?
David: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Alex: No
David: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!

The next day, the same discussion took place:
David: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Alex: No
David: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!

The next day, once again:
David: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Alex: No
David: He's the author of "Confessions", if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!

This time, Alex got irritated and said:
Alex : And you, do you know who is Ian Wright?
David: No
Alex : He's the guy sleeping with your wife every night!! If you stop spending more time in office after office hours, you would know this!

Moral : There is 'something' important in life than Work and General Knowledge...

Wife Vs Girl Friend

Wife is like a TV,
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE .

At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

No money, u sell the TV,
Got money u change ur MOBILE.


Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE , if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,

But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),

But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Last but not least ..

TVs don't have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!

What Men Really Mean

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

Lost in the Sahara desert

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert. One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.

David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself Mohammed."

Michael refused to change his name, he said : "My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am...Michael."

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.

David said : "My name is Mohammed."

Michael said : "My name is Michael."

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."

Then he turned to the other and said: "Well Mohammed, Happy Ramzan!"

Funny Chat Rooms

How to understand women volume 1 of 4

Through the keyhole

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"