Do you know

During lunch break one afternoon at work, David and Alex were chatting....

David: Alex, I've been working late every day since I have joined here & hence I got a promotion this appraisal.
Alex: How could it be David? Is that the only secret?
David: No, in the process of staying after office hours, I have also gathered a lot of General Knowledge; & my boss also asked me such questions at appraisal time.
Alex: Like what?
David: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Alex: No
David: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!

The next day, the same discussion took place:
David: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Alex: No
David: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!

The next day, once again:
David: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Alex: No
David: He's the author of "Confessions", if you spent more time in office after office hours you would know this!

This time, Alex got irritated and said:
Alex : And you, do you know who is Ian Wright?
David: No
Alex : He's the guy sleeping with your wife every night!! If you stop spending more time in office after office hours, you would know this!

Moral : There is 'something' important in life than Work and General Knowledge...

Wife Vs Girl Friend

Wife is like a TV,
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE .

At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

No money, u sell the TV,
Got money u change ur MOBILE.


Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE , if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,

But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),

But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Last but not least ..

TVs don't have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!

What Men Really Mean

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

Lost in the Sahara desert

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert. One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.

David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself Mohammed."

Michael refused to change his name, he said : "My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am...Michael."

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.

David said : "My name is Mohammed."

Michael said : "My name is Michael."

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."

Then he turned to the other and said: "Well Mohammed, Happy Ramzan!"

Funny Chat Rooms

How to understand women volume 1 of 4

Through the keyhole

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

Some More of Rajini Stuff

1. When Rajnikant was a Student¦!!!
Teachers use to Bunk the classes!!!

2. Rajnikant started college. All students were confused while taking admission because name of college is
"Rajnikant's Medical College of Engineering for Commerce".

3. THE MOST NEGLECTED FACT OF THE ENTIRE DECADE!!!!
Sachin Tendulkar's mothers name is RAJNI Tendulkar
And his coach's name is ramaKANT
Is there a need to say anything beyond this???

4. Rajinikant got 150 questions in exam paper asking - "Solve any 100 questions"
He solved all 150 and wrote, " Rascalla!, CHECK ANY 100!"

5. Law of Conservation of Rajni
All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!!

6. Once a photo of Rajnikant was given for Xerox. Don't even try to guess what happened.
We got two copies of the Xerox machine.

7. Once upon a time, Rajnikant used Tooth Powder to get strong teeth..
today that powder is known as
"AMBUJA CEMENT"

Visitor from Texas

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "MIGHTY NIAGARA", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water & Power".

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

Scratching the nuts

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

Look in the Pocket

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

Doctors at the bar

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Costco

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results . The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo... (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Full amount

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”

The priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”

Well, the lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!”

Our sex life is like the bus service

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn’t want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn’t even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What’s wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it’s doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"

This is why we love children!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report . ’ My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs… One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out…
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Better change the oil

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You’ve got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said: "You’ve got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You’ve got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one’s black

and I think I can

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"

Brain Teasers - Awesome

1. The strange sisters
It was the first day of school. The teacher had several children in her class. She asked all the new children to write down their names and their date of birth for her. The first two names she looked at were those of girls. She saw that they both had the same last name. They also had the same birthday - June 9,1973.
“Will Jane and June Campbell please stand?” asked the teacher.
Two girls stood up, and the teacher saw that they were just alike. “Oh, you’re twins,” she said.
One of the girls shook her head. “No,” she said. “We’re sisters, but we’re not twins.”
Q : How could they be sisters and be the same age, but not twins? 

2. The mystery of the missing fish
Two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each caught one fish. However, only three fish were caught.
Q : How was this possible?
 
3. The tennis player
Once there was a tennis player. In the tennis game, she played very well and won great fame.
Jane was her first name, What was her last name.
Q. Find Jane’s last name


Scroll down… … … ..



lower please… … … …



A little bit more will do… he he he… ..



Ahh… . here come your ANSWERS … … … ..


1. The strange sisters
Jane and June Campbell were sisters, born on the same day the same year. But they weren’t twins. They were two of a set of triplets. The other triplet, Jackie, was sick that day.

2. The mystery of the missing fish
The two fathers and two sons who went fishing were actually only three people a grandfather, his son, and his grandson. The grandfather was his son’s father, and of course the son was his grandson’s father. That makes two fathers. The grandfather’s son was one son, and his son was the other. So, if each of them caught one fish, only three fish were caught.

3. The tennis player
The first and last names are given in the last two lines of the poem. Jane was her first name, What was her last name. The two lines make one complete sentence. And there is a period at the end of the sentence, not a question mark. So the sentence doesn’t ask a question. It tells you that Jane was the first name and that What was her last name. Her name was Jane What.

I can´t hear you

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can´t hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?"

The priest answered, "By golly, you can´t hear in here."