Don't ye believe me?

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the ladsstopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Italian Army

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general.
That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly.
"Colonel!" he spat out.
"Yes, general!" the colonel quavered.
"Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"
He strode away furiously.
The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right.
Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

Bee Chastity

An Alternate To Chastity Belts And

More Discouraging Than Chastity Best

What a coincidence

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I´m celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I´m celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I´m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they´re finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said, for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I´m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Wings and Halo

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I’ll go to the other place."

"You don’t want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"

"I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

Family Reunion

What are you waiting for?

A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."

Hers or Yours?

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

The Simple Truth Admit It

The Simple Truth Admit It

Terminator The Early Years

Terminator The Early Years

Fascinate

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I also wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

Wife or a mistress

A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work." !!!

Difference between mothers and fathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between mothers and fathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving father who always made a special effort to spend time with his child on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old daughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his daughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his daughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with ma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Papa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dip shit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

God's Email - Did you get it?

God was looking down at Earth on New Year's Eve and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said," Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion."

When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! Ninety-five % are misbehaving and only 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going! Do you know what the E-mail said?

Just wondering. I didn't get one either ;)

So what's the problem now

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Gold Urinal

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Viagra - Now for animals too

Two Nuns and Hot Dog

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

Mouse in the house

A : I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Don't worry the mouse will leave your house on its own

My little boopey-boo

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."