Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."

Two blonde playing golf

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

A lady picked up daddy's phone

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit;
she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
junior said "the number u are Trying To call is not reachable...!!!!!!!!

Not worth celebrating

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

Husband describing his wife?

Wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?

He said:- Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic,
Gorgeous, Humorous.

She said, Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
He said I'm Just Kidding....

Origin of Mad Cow Disease - The Irish Way

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows: .....

*The lady reporter*: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

*The farmer* stared at the reporter and said: .............. "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

*Reporter* (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

*Farmer*: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

*Reporter*: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

*Farmer*: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "

The program was never aired…..

I need a Man

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in s*x anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills."Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too!"

Three Nuns

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.
After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.
The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"
The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden."
The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright." The third nun is dancing around in laughter.
The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.
The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

Desert camping and riding trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Soup of the day in Ireland

Ear Problem

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

7 degrees of Blonde...!!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Nadine and Jill

Nadine and Jill were talking about their sex lives and Nadine said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."

It could last you forever

A guy worked for 30 years at the same factory. He got off work at 3:30, and was home by 3:45 every day of his life. On Fridays, he came home and gave his wife his check.

One Friday he was walking towards his car, and one of his co-workers asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd never been asked before, so he said, "Sure, why not?"

One beer lead to another and that led to his first wild night out with the boys. Finally about 3:00 am he comes staggering through the door. His wife is waiting for him and asks, "Where have you been?"

"Well," he said, "I went out with the boys for a few beers."

"You did, did you?" his wife fumed, "Well, just how much money did you spend?"

"As a matter of fact, I spent about $100.00," he said.

"$100?? Do you know how long that would last me?" the wife yelled.

"Well, " he said, "you don't drink, you don't smoke and you've got your own p*ssy... I guess it could last you forever."

I'm a white boy

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.
He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy."
His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?"
The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

Best Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows."

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass".

The bishop was fit to be tied! He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free".

The bishop was buried the next day.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

Here are some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Prepared spiritually

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey

Young blonde student nurse

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Brain-Men and Women

Women - Multiple process
Women's brains are designed to concentrate multiple tasks at a time.
Women can watch a TV and talk over phone and cook the new recipe.

Men - Single Process
Men's brains are designed to concentrate only one work at a time. Men cannot watch TV and talk over phone at the same time. He stops watching TV while talking. He can either watch TV or talk over phone or cook.

Language
Women can easily learn many languages. But cannot find solutions to problems. Men cannot easily learn languages; they can easily solve the problems.
The vocabulary of a 3 year old girl is three times higher than that of a 3 year old boy.

Analytical Skill
Men's brain has a lot of space for handling the analytical process. So he can easily analyses and find the solution for a process.
He can design (blue print) a map of a building easily.
If a complex map is viewed by a woman, she cannot understand it. She cannot understand the details of the map easily.
For her it’s dump of lines in a paper.

Car Driving
While driving a car, men's analytical spaces are used in his brain. He can drive a car fast. If he sees an object at a long distance, immediately his brain classifies the object (bus or van or car) direction and speed of the object and driving accordingly. Where as women take a long time to recognize the object, direction/ speed. His single process mind stops the audio in the car (if any), then concentrating only on the driving.
You can often watch, while men drive the car fast, the women sitting next to him will shout, "GO SLOW" , "CAREFUL", "AAHHH", "OHH GOD.."..etc.

Lie
Many times, when men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily.
Her super-natural brain observes the facial expression 70%, and the body language 20% and the words from the mouth 10%. So he is easily caught while lying.
Men's brain does not have this.
Women easily lie to men face to face.
So guys, while lying to your girls, use phone, or letter or close all the lights or cover your/her face with blanket.
Don't lie face to face.

Problem
End of the day, if men have lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems, and he puts it into individual rooms of brain, and finds solution one by one. You can see many guys looking at the sky for a long time. If you disturb him, he gets irritated.
End of the Day, if women have lot of problems, her brain cannot classify the problems. She wants someone to hear that. After telling everything to a person she goes happily to bed. She does not worry whether the problem is solved or not.

Wants
Men want status, success, solutions, big process... etc Women want relationship, friends, family...etc. ..

Unhappiness
If women are unhappy with their relations, she cannot concentrate on work.
If men are unhappy with their work, he cannot concentrate on the relations.

Map
Men can easily locate the place in a complex map. His analytical brain does this. While watching a cricket match in a stadium with full of crowd, men can leave his seat and goes for tea and keeps everything in his mind and comes back to his seat with any problem. He uses his analytical space of brain.
Women can't do this. They often lose their way to their seat.

Life
Life is very easy for Men. One good job and alcohol is enough for them.
Women want everything in life.

Speech
Women use indirect languages in speech.
Sonia asked Sanjay, "Sanjay do you like to have a cup of coffee?"
This means, Sonia really wants a cup of coffee.
Men use direct language. "Sonia, I want to have a cup of coffee, Pls stop the car when you see a coffee shop".
In the morning...." Darling, Can you please prepare an omelet for breakfast".

Handling Emotion
Women talk a lot without thinking, if they are emotional.
Men act a lot with out thinking. That's why many of the prisoners all over the world are men.