I'm a white boy

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.
He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy."
His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?"
The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

Best Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows."

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass".

The bishop was fit to be tied! He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."

After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free".

The bishop was buried the next day.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

Here are some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Prepared spiritually

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey

Young blonde student nurse

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Brain-Men and Women

Women - Multiple process
Women's brains are designed to concentrate multiple tasks at a time.
Women can watch a TV and talk over phone and cook the new recipe.

Men - Single Process
Men's brains are designed to concentrate only one work at a time. Men cannot watch TV and talk over phone at the same time. He stops watching TV while talking. He can either watch TV or talk over phone or cook.

Language
Women can easily learn many languages. But cannot find solutions to problems. Men cannot easily learn languages; they can easily solve the problems.
The vocabulary of a 3 year old girl is three times higher than that of a 3 year old boy.

Analytical Skill
Men's brain has a lot of space for handling the analytical process. So he can easily analyses and find the solution for a process.
He can design (blue print) a map of a building easily.
If a complex map is viewed by a woman, she cannot understand it. She cannot understand the details of the map easily.
For her it’s dump of lines in a paper.

Car Driving
While driving a car, men's analytical spaces are used in his brain. He can drive a car fast. If he sees an object at a long distance, immediately his brain classifies the object (bus or van or car) direction and speed of the object and driving accordingly. Where as women take a long time to recognize the object, direction/ speed. His single process mind stops the audio in the car (if any), then concentrating only on the driving.
You can often watch, while men drive the car fast, the women sitting next to him will shout, "GO SLOW" , "CAREFUL", "AAHHH", "OHH GOD.."..etc.

Lie
Many times, when men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily.
Her super-natural brain observes the facial expression 70%, and the body language 20% and the words from the mouth 10%. So he is easily caught while lying.
Men's brain does not have this.
Women easily lie to men face to face.
So guys, while lying to your girls, use phone, or letter or close all the lights or cover your/her face with blanket.
Don't lie face to face.

Problem
End of the day, if men have lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems, and he puts it into individual rooms of brain, and finds solution one by one. You can see many guys looking at the sky for a long time. If you disturb him, he gets irritated.
End of the Day, if women have lot of problems, her brain cannot classify the problems. She wants someone to hear that. After telling everything to a person she goes happily to bed. She does not worry whether the problem is solved or not.

Wants
Men want status, success, solutions, big process... etc Women want relationship, friends, family...etc. ..

Unhappiness
If women are unhappy with their relations, she cannot concentrate on work.
If men are unhappy with their work, he cannot concentrate on the relations.

Map
Men can easily locate the place in a complex map. His analytical brain does this. While watching a cricket match in a stadium with full of crowd, men can leave his seat and goes for tea and keeps everything in his mind and comes back to his seat with any problem. He uses his analytical space of brain.
Women can't do this. They often lose their way to their seat.

Life
Life is very easy for Men. One good job and alcohol is enough for them.
Women want everything in life.

Speech
Women use indirect languages in speech.
Sonia asked Sanjay, "Sanjay do you like to have a cup of coffee?"
This means, Sonia really wants a cup of coffee.
Men use direct language. "Sonia, I want to have a cup of coffee, Pls stop the car when you see a coffee shop".
In the morning...." Darling, Can you please prepare an omelet for breakfast".

Handling Emotion
Women talk a lot without thinking, if they are emotional.
Men act a lot with out thinking. That's why many of the prisoners all over the world are men.

Condoms with pesticides

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that youmean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her arse, and I aim to kill it."

What’s the trick?

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of the men were on camels. Lt. Shalom had a very stubborn camel, and finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another step. The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalom along with his mulish camel.
Shalom sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge.
He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Shalom explained to her that the camel wouldn’t budge.
“Oh, I can fix that,” she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel’s belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute.
Lt. Shalom was astounded. “Ma’am, what did you do? What’s the trick?”
“Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his privates.”
“Well, miss, you’d better tickle mine too, because I’ve got to catch that camel!”

Lady Gaga Doll

A veterinarian

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Women Remote Control - Every Man's Desire

EVERY MAN'S DESIRE

Get Out of My Head

What kind of tattoo did you get?

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Laws on Girls

• If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
• The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
• The more the makeup, worse the looks...
• "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
• The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
• If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed...
• The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
• Theory of relativity.. .... 
• more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
• Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
• Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
• Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)
• The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
• You are dressed badly
• You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
• Have a bad hair day
• All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin Ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.
• The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
• The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.

Seven Ages of the Married Cold

• 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

• 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

• 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

• 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

• 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

• 6th year -- "You ought to go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

• 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

Try those on

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."

Married Again

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

A Blonde and Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,  covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."

Sperm Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."