EVERY MAN'S DESIRE
What kind of tattoo did you get?
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Laws on Girls
- If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
- The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
- The more the makeup, worse the looks...
- "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
- The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
- If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed...
- The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
- Theory of relativity.. ....
- more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
- Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
- Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
- Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)
- The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
- You are dressed badly
- You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
- Have a bad hair day
- All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin Ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.
- The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
- The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
- 1st year -- The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from China Garden. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
- 2nd year -- "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
- 3rd year -- "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
- 4th year -- "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
- 5th year -- "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
- 6th year -- "You ought to go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
- 7th year -- "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
Try those on
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.
He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.
He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never blo*dy will if you don't change your attitude."
Married Again
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
A Blonde and Thermos
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied...... 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."
As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."
Sperm Bank
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
WHO'S YOUR ROLE MODEL for 2011??
This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!
Now Scroll down
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!
- Pick your favorite number between 1-9
- Multiply by 3 then
- Add 3
- Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
- You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
- Add the digits together
Now Scroll down
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
- Einstein
- Oprah Winfrey
- George Bush
- Bill Clinton
- Bill Gates
- Gandhi
- Barack Obama
- Babe Ruth
- Crazymady.com
- John F. Kennedy
- Mother Theresa
I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.
Black Bras
An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Arab buys six.
He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.
The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Arab buys six.
He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.
The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.
Tribal Experiment
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."
I take salts
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"
"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."
"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"
The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.
"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.
"I told you," explained the drinker.
"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.
"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."
"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."
"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"
The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.
"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.
"I told you," explained the drinker.
"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.
"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."
Commonly used office Phrases and what they mean
1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.
6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.
7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.
10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.
11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.
14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.
6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.
7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.
10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.
11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.
14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.
What should Ido?
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but nowife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but nowife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
Evolution of Internet
*In ancient Israel,it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*
*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *
*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*
*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *
*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *
*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*
*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *
*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *
*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *
*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*
*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *
*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *
*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*
*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *
*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*
*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*
*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*
*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *
*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*
*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *
*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*
* *
*And that is how it all began……...
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*
*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *
*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*
*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *
*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *
*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*
*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *
*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *
*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *
*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*
*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *
*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *
*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*
*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *
*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*
*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*
*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*
*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *
*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*
*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *
*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*
* *
*And that is how it all began……...
I shot the cat
A lady is baking a cake...she needs eggs....she goes into the cupboard and gets the eggs. She then accidentally knocks over a container of bee-bee pellets.
The bee-bee pellets fall into the cake mix. She completely ignores it...pours the mix into the cooking pan, puts it into the oven...lets it cook. An hour later, she takes it out...and decorates it.
After the cake cooled, it was time for the kids to eat the cake. One of the kids asked, "Mommy, what are these little things in the cake?". The mom says, "They're just little candies, just eat them." So the kids devour the cake.
Hours later, the first kid comes down all frantic, saying "Mommy, I just went to the bathroom and bee-bee pellets came out.". The mom said, "Not to worry, they'll be out of you." The next kid comes downstairs and she said "Mommy, I went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out." The mom said, "Don't worry...they'll be out of you too." The 3rd kid comes downstairs...is the son...and he said "Mom!" The mother quickly asked, "What now...you went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out?". The son said, "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!".
The bee-bee pellets fall into the cake mix. She completely ignores it...pours the mix into the cooking pan, puts it into the oven...lets it cook. An hour later, she takes it out...and decorates it.
After the cake cooled, it was time for the kids to eat the cake. One of the kids asked, "Mommy, what are these little things in the cake?". The mom says, "They're just little candies, just eat them." So the kids devour the cake.
Hours later, the first kid comes down all frantic, saying "Mommy, I just went to the bathroom and bee-bee pellets came out.". The mom said, "Not to worry, they'll be out of you." The next kid comes downstairs and she said "Mommy, I went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out." The mom said, "Don't worry...they'll be out of you too." The 3rd kid comes downstairs...is the son...and he said "Mom!" The mother quickly asked, "What now...you went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out?". The son said, "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!".
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