WHO'S YOUR ROLE MODEL for 2011??

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1. Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2. Multiply by 3 then
3. Add 3
4. Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5. You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
6. Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. George Bush
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Barack Obama
8. Babe Ruth
9. Crazymady.com
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Mother Theresa

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

Black Bras

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys six.

He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.

The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Guess Who?

Tribal Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

I take salts

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

Sucide Bombers Training

Commonly used office Phrases and what they mean

1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.

6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

What should Ido?

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but nowife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Evolution of Internet

*In ancient Israel,it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*

*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *

*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*

*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *

*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *

*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*

*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *

*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *

*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *

*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*

*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *

*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *

*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*

*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *

*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*

*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*

*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*

*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *

*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*

*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *

*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*

* *

*And that is how it all began……...

I shot the cat

A lady is baking a cake...she needs eggs....she goes into the cupboard and gets the eggs. She then accidentally knocks over a container of bee-bee pellets.

The bee-bee pellets fall into the cake mix. She completely ignores it...pours the mix into the cooking pan, puts it into the oven...lets it cook. An hour later, she takes it out...and decorates it.

After the cake cooled, it was time for the kids to eat the cake. One of the kids asked, "Mommy, what are these little things in the cake?". The mom says, "They're just little candies, just eat them." So the kids devour the cake.

Hours later, the first kid comes down all frantic, saying "Mommy, I just went to the bathroom and bee-bee pellets came out.". The mom said, "Not to worry, they'll be out of you." The next kid comes downstairs and she said "Mommy, I went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out." The mom said, "Don't worry...they'll be out of you too." The 3rd kid comes downstairs...is the son...and he said "Mom!" The mother quickly asked, "What now...you went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out?". The son said, "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!".

Did I forget my line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

I made her scream for two long hours

Indians are Indian An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??


Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains

Co-Pilot Checklist

Camel Toe Practical Applications

Crunchy Bird

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"

He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my a*s!"

EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman

There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman:

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes....

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More....

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you....

8. The Submariner - Mmm... OHHH... Deeper... Deeper... GO DEEPER!....

Oh my God

A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together.

The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic: "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!..."

As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second and then screams: "Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!"

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar

Miss Airport 2011 - January

Miss Airport 2011 - February

Miss Airport 2011 - March

Miss Airport 2011 - April

Miss Airport 2011 - May

Miss Airport 2011 - June

Miss Airport 2011 - July

Miss Airport 2011 - August

Miss Airport 2011 - September

Miss Airport 2011 - October

Miss Airport 2011 - November

Miss Airport 2011 - December

That's okay

A guy down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus. One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to screw you up the arse." With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the guy, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to screw her up the arse."

"Sh*t, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The guy had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the bushes, the guy shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to screw you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the guy had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

Make love almost every night

A 70-year-old man has never been married.
One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."