Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

What should Ido?

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but nowife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Evolution of Internet

*In ancient Israel,it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*

*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *

*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*

*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *

*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *

*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*

*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *

*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *

*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *

*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*

*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *

*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *

*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*

*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *

*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*

*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*

*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*

*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *

*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*

*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *

*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*

* *

*And that is how it all began……...

I shot the cat

A lady is baking a cake...she needs eggs....she goes into the cupboard and gets the eggs. She then accidentally knocks over a container of bee-bee pellets.

The bee-bee pellets fall into the cake mix. She completely ignores it...pours the mix into the cooking pan, puts it into the oven...lets it cook. An hour later, she takes it out...and decorates it.

After the cake cooled, it was time for the kids to eat the cake. One of the kids asked, "Mommy, what are these little things in the cake?". The mom says, "They're just little candies, just eat them." So the kids devour the cake.

Hours later, the first kid comes down all frantic, saying "Mommy, I just went to the bathroom and bee-bee pellets came out.". The mom said, "Not to worry, they'll be out of you." The next kid comes downstairs and she said "Mommy, I went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out." The mom said, "Don't worry...they'll be out of you too." The 3rd kid comes downstairs...is the son...and he said "Mom!" The mother quickly asked, "What now...you went to the bathroom and bee-bees came out?". The son said, "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!".

Did I forget my line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

I made her scream for two long hours

Indians are Indian An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??

Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains

Co-Pilot Checklist

Camel Toe Practical Applications

Crunchy Bird

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"

He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my a*s!"

EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman

There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman:

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes....

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More....

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you....

8. The Submariner - Mmm... OHHH... Deeper... Deeper... GO DEEPER!....

Oh my God

A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together.

The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic: "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!..."

As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second and then screams: "Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!"

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar

Miss Airport 2011 - January

Miss Airport 2011 - February

Miss Airport 2011 - March

Miss Airport 2011 - April

Miss Airport 2011 - May

Miss Airport 2011 - June

Miss Airport 2011 - July

Miss Airport 2011 - August

Miss Airport 2011 - September

Miss Airport 2011 - October

Miss Airport 2011 - November

Miss Airport 2011 - December

That's okay

A guy down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus. One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to screw you up the arse." With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the guy, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to screw her up the arse."

"Sh*t, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The guy had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the bushes, the guy shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to screw you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the guy had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

Make love almost every night

A 70-year-old man has never been married.
One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

An Indian goes to Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell , the Russian hell and many more.
He finds that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed,
And the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

Balle Balle - Another Collection of Sardarji Jokes

Titanic was sinking.
An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!

--

Santa travelling 1'st time in plane going 2 mumbai.While its landing, he shouted 'Bombay...Bombay'.
Airhostess said "B silent"...Santa said "OK"...Ombay Ombay

--

"Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out

--

Bhola Singh brags to his friends, "You know in Dubai everything is free, Taxi, Hotel, Drinks, Shows, so far as even Sex is free.
The friend asked, "Yes, when did you go to Dubai?"
Bhola explained, "Not me Pal, My wife went there."

--

A Sardar decides to kill his unfaithful wife and himself. He put the gun on his own forehead and told his wife while pulling the trigger,
"Don't feel so glad about this, next it’s your turn!!!!"

--

Dr. Manish, a psychotherapist, employed a sardar painter to paint his name plate. He instructed the sardar to give ample space between the words, and left for his clinic.
On his return in the evening, he was astonished at the sight of the name plate that was hung to his gate. It read,
Dr. Manish
Psycho The Rapist

--

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now".
Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

--

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident. Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta: "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank to God that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."
Santa: "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!

Most dangerous food

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it... Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"
(scroll down)

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

15 Pieces of Advice for Woman

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal!