I've got everything

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, 'Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, 'I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, 'I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, 'I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, 'I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.'

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, 'Is there anything you want?'

The husband says, 'No, I've got everything I need right here.'

She asks, 'What's that?'

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 'I've got the airbag!'

Married Life

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: 'Maxwell Coffeehouse.' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: 'Rothmans.' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, 'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.' And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: 'BRITISH AIRWAYS.'

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: 'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'

Hearing problem

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.

The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."

The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."

The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.

"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'"

Better Offer

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer.

What did you do?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

The Farmers and the Aliens

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, "I wonder what the aliens do for sex?" The farmer's wife replied, "I don't know. Do you want to find out?" The farmer agrees.

So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the alien's pecker and starts laughing. "You've got to be kidding me!" she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, "So, how was your night?" She replied, "Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours?" "Well, not so good," replied the farmer, "all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears."

Faithful Wife

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
"Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question
her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up.
"Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side.

Hardworking Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?''
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.''
''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them.''
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

Funny Quotes

1. When Snake is alive, Snake eats Ants.
When Snake is dead, Ants eat Snake.
Time can turn at any time.
Don't neglect anyone in your life........ ...

2. Never make the same mistake twice,
There are so many new ones,
Try a different one each day.

3. A good way to change someone's attitude is to change our own.
Because, the same sun melts butter, also hardens clay!
Life is as we think, so think beautifully.

4. Life is just like a sea, we are moving without end.
Nothing stays with us,
What remain is just the memories of some people who have touched us as Waves.

5. Whenever you want to know how rich you are?
Never count your currency,
Just try to Drop a Tear and count how many hands reach out to WIPE that eye- that is true richness.

6. Heart tells the eyes that pl see less, because you see and I suffer lot.
Eyes replied, pl feel less because you feel and I cry a lot.

7. Never change your originality for the sake of others,
Because no one can play your role better than you.
So be yourself, because whatever you are, YOU are the best.

8. Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying.
His dad asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what I call Positive Attitude.

What sins?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are both pregnant."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

The New Indian Movie on Corruption and Terrorism

Hero: Manmohan Singh

Heroine: Sonia Maino

Introducing: Rahul Vinci and Spanish Girl friend Veronique

Villain: A. Raja, Suresh Kal-muddy

Story: Karunanidhi

Dialogue: Arundhati Roy

Typists: Barkha Dutt and Vir Sanghvi

Character Actor: Omar Abdullah

Comedy: Sharad, SM Krishna and Party Spokespersons

Producers: Sonia Maino, Ottavio Quatrochi

Dance Masters: Sheila Dixit & Jayanti Natarajan (inputs from Barkha Dutt)

Action: Mamata Banerjee

Sound: Manish Tiwari & Abhishek M Singhvi

Camera: Kapil Sibal

Wardrobe: Shivraj Patil

Cook: Pratibha Patil

Fighting Scenes: CPI (M)/DMK, Muslim League in association with ISI/LET

Stage/Lighting/Statue Making: Mayawati and BSP

Marketing and Propaganda: Communist Party of India (Also World Vision)

Public Relations: Nira Radia

Publicity: Diggvijay Singh

Media: Chindu, Toilet News Group

Promoter: Shahid Usman

Foreign promoter: David Coleman Headley

TV/Satellite Rights: Kalaignar TV

Financed By: People of India

Proceeds go to charitable causes:
1. John Dayal (AICC), missionaries in their conversion activities
2. Bangladesh illegal immigrants (to buy ration cards, housing and also to
procure arms)
3. Special funds to defend Afzal Guru and future terrorists.
4. Chinese Marxist organizations: Asha for Education, AID
________

Special Thanks to:
Khan-gress Party
Allies: CPI (Chinese Party of India)
Muslim league of Kerala
PFI, Islamic Caliphate of India,
Dravida Munetra Kazhagam (DMK)
Bangladeshis in India Party (BIP)
India for Jesus organization (IJO)
Naxalite party of India (NPI)

Humor in Flight Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported. Some you may have seen previously, but are still worth reading.


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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Are you a doctor?

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with the Income Tax Deptt.'.

Real Men

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome.

"We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women" he proclaimed.

The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?"

"I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome."

Forbidden by airline regulations

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

Beer and Wife

A man stopped to relax at his favourite pub after a hard day's work.
He noticed a man next to him who ordered a beer and a chaser.
The man drank the beer, then drank the chaser, then looked into his shirt pocket.
He did this several times before the man's curiosity got the better of him.
He leaned over to the man and said, " I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your beer and chaser?"
The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts looking sexy, I'm heading home!"

Amazing Diagnosis

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there.
The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him ashe made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow.
They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.
"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor.
When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Give up drugs forever

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said: You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your back..hole before prison...."