Hardworking Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?''
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.''
''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them.''
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

Funny Quotes

1. When Snake is alive, Snake eats Ants.
When Snake is dead, Ants eat Snake.
Time can turn at any time.
Don't neglect anyone in your life........ ...

2. Never make the same mistake twice,
There are so many new ones,
Try a different one each day.

3. A good way to change someone's attitude is to change our own.
Because, the same sun melts butter, also hardens clay!
Life is as we think, so think beautifully.

4. Life is just like a sea, we are moving without end.
Nothing stays with us,
What remain is just the memories of some people who have touched us as Waves.

5. Whenever you want to know how rich you are?
Never count your currency,
Just try to Drop a Tear and count how many hands reach out to WIPE that eye- that is true richness.

6. Heart tells the eyes that pl see less, because you see and I suffer lot.
Eyes replied, pl feel less because you feel and I cry a lot.

7. Never change your originality for the sake of others,
Because no one can play your role better than you.
So be yourself, because whatever you are, YOU are the best.

8. Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying.
His dad asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what I call Positive Attitude.

What sins?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are both pregnant."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

The New Indian Movie on Corruption and Terrorism

Hero: Manmohan Singh

Heroine: Sonia Maino

Introducing: Rahul Vinci and Spanish Girl friend Veronique

Villain: A. Raja, Suresh Kal-muddy

Story: Karunanidhi

Dialogue: Arundhati Roy

Typists: Barkha Dutt and Vir Sanghvi

Character Actor: Omar Abdullah

Comedy: Sharad, SM Krishna and Party Spokespersons

Producers: Sonia Maino, Ottavio Quatrochi

Dance Masters: Sheila Dixit & Jayanti Natarajan (inputs from Barkha Dutt)

Action: Mamata Banerjee

Sound: Manish Tiwari & Abhishek M Singhvi

Camera: Kapil Sibal

Wardrobe: Shivraj Patil

Cook: Pratibha Patil

Fighting Scenes: CPI (M)/DMK, Muslim League in association with ISI/LET

Stage/Lighting/Statue Making: Mayawati and BSP

Marketing and Propaganda: Communist Party of India (Also World Vision)

Public Relations: Nira Radia

Publicity: Diggvijay Singh

Media: Chindu, Toilet News Group

Promoter: Shahid Usman

Foreign promoter: David Coleman Headley

TV/Satellite Rights: Kalaignar TV

Financed By: People of India

Proceeds go to charitable causes:
1. John Dayal (AICC), missionaries in their conversion activities
2. Bangladesh illegal immigrants (to buy ration cards, housing and also to
procure arms)
3. Special funds to defend Afzal Guru and future terrorists.
4. Chinese Marxist organizations: Asha for Education, AID
________

Special Thanks to:
Khan-gress Party
Allies: CPI (Chinese Party of India)
Muslim league of Kerala
PFI, Islamic Caliphate of India,
Dravida Munetra Kazhagam (DMK)
Bangladeshis in India Party (BIP)
India for Jesus organization (IJO)
Naxalite party of India (NPI)

Humor in Flight Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported. Some you may have seen previously, but are still worth reading.


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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Are you a doctor?

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with the Income Tax Deptt.'.

Real Men

An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome.

"We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women" he proclaimed.

The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?"

"I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome."

Forbidden by airline regulations

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

Beer and Wife

A man stopped to relax at his favourite pub after a hard day's work.
He noticed a man next to him who ordered a beer and a chaser.
The man drank the beer, then drank the chaser, then looked into his shirt pocket.
He did this several times before the man's curiosity got the better of him.
He leaned over to the man and said, " I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your beer and chaser?"
The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts looking sexy, I'm heading home!"

Amazing Diagnosis

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there.
The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him ashe made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow.
They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.
"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor.
When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Give up drugs forever

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said: You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your back..hole before prison...."

Bank Robbery

Judgement After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

New Stewardess

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha' gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ..... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big tits out for dinner ..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put the big willy to her, big time! all night.."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's handbag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first.

The 7 Habits of Men & Women

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Henry the Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

Serious Story

Ek Aadmi ko heart ki bimaari thi.
Doctor ne namak na khane ki salah di.
Uski biwi hamesha uska khayal rakhne lagi
Woh aadmi bhi bohut sawdhani barakne laga.
Samay pe khaana, sona, uthna khane me namak bilkul na lena , regular aur samay pe dawayi lena.
Par achaanak ek din subah who aadmi bathroom ke darwaje pe mara hua mila. Sab hairan the ki itni sawdhani ke baad aisa kaise ho gaya ?
Dr. ke report se pata chala………..
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Uske toothpaste main “Namak” tha!!!!!!!!!!!
Kya aapke Toothpaste mein “Namak” hain ?

Weight Loss Diet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

Winter Golf

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring" the Yank said.

"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us." said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American.

"No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."