Forbidden by airline regulations

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Businessman

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

Beer and Wife

A man stopped to relax at his favourite pub after a hard day's work.
He noticed a man next to him who ordered a beer and a chaser.
The man drank the beer, then drank the chaser, then looked into his shirt pocket.
He did this several times before the man's curiosity got the better of him.
He leaned over to the man and said, " I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your beer and chaser?"
The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts looking sexy, I'm heading home!"

Amazing Diagnosis

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there.
The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him ashe made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow.
They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.
"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor.
When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Give up drugs forever

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said: You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your back..hole before prison...."

Bank Robbery

Judgement After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

New Stewardess

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha' gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ..... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big tits out for dinner ..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put the big willy to her, big time! all night.."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's handbag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first.

The 7 Habits of Men & Women

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Henry the Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

Serious Story

Ek Aadmi ko heart ki bimaari thi.
Doctor ne namak na khane ki salah di.
Uski biwi hamesha uska khayal rakhne lagi
Woh aadmi bhi bohut sawdhani barakne laga.
Samay pe khaana, sona, uthna khane me namak bilkul na lena , regular aur samay pe dawayi lena.
Par achaanak ek din subah who aadmi bathroom ke darwaje pe mara hua mila. Sab hairan the ki itni sawdhani ke baad aisa kaise ho gaya ?
Dr. ke report se pata chala………..
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Uske toothpaste main “Namak” tha!!!!!!!!!!!
Kya aapke Toothpaste mein “Namak” hain ?

Weight Loss Diet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

Winter Golf

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring" the Yank said.

"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us." said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American.

"No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."

Little Notebook

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes I did! I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yep, I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"
The fellow looks in his book again and says, "Hmm yes, I did know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "hmmm,yep..sure did, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and finally says, "You know, you're right! According to this, I didn't like it either.

I can't believe it

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video. There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other.
"I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said.
The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!"
The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"

What'd he say

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop.
The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much."

What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he replied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville," the husband replied.

"Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.
"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

Trap...........the unexpected

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms.
In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent Somalatha home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently...........
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her.
When he finished and still panting,
the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No Madam" said the gardener!!!

Dont Panic

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!

Louis C.K. - Funniest Video

What you get for $25 bucks

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"