The Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Make the best of it

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.

On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Valentine cards

A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Valentine's Day

A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"
The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

3 days ago

Watermelons

A local farmer just outside of town grew watermelons for a living, and he was doing quite well but was being hassled by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch late

at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read,

"Now there are two!"

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and as ked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.. ' 
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Tetanus shot

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and
he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Only one in entire practices in 30 years

A heart patient visits a cardiologist, who examined him and said, "Do not worry, you will be alright after an operation."

The patient inquired about doctor's experiences. The doctor said, "More than 30 years." The patient then asked about the rate of failure, the doctor said, "Only one in entire practices!"

The patient then asked, "How many operation have you performed, so far." The doctor said, "That was my first operation and yours is the second!"

Obedient Alligator

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here. It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons."

True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

"But wait," he cried. "This alligator is tame. It wouldn't hurt anyone." However, the bartender is adamant.

"If," the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?"

"Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "However, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame."

'The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph," he shouts, "Sit up."

With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG," and the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth. BANG BANG BANG."And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps.

"Ralph - close your mouth, but DON'T BITE. BANG BANG BANG."

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guy's dick off.

The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth. BANG BANG BANG," and the alligators mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the crowd, "Now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the hack says, "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard."

Managers

A Guy WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.

Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

Fees

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Microsoft Windows for Hillibillies

Asshole

Cheating Level Expert

Common Courtesy

Self Control

Sun Shade

The Grim Reaper

Tinted-windows

Tame Bear

Farmer Jones lived with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.

His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it began to rain.

About an hour later a traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later, another traveling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn, no lights and the tame bear.

Salesmen left for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two traveling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When he opened the door ,the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said : Good heavens what happened to you?

The woman replied : I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars,t he second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap b*stard in the fur coat never even said thanks.