What are we going to do?

A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in law.

One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother in law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband.

"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

How can you be sure

"Will you tell the court how far you were taken from the spot where the shooting occurred?" asked the defense counsel.
"I was exactly fourteen feet, three-and-onehalf inches," replied the witness.
"How can you be sure of the exact distance?" asked the lawyer.
"I measured it because I was sure sooner or later some fool would ask that question."

Bra and Panty Cookie

Sudoku toilet paper

That time of the month.

The wolf man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat, all right? Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat, huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man starts growling and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Funny Football

Enemy soldiers

The first sergeant was holding a class on combat for his company. He said, "Smith, what would you do if you saw 700 enemy soldiers coming at you?"
Smith said, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant asked, On the right you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at you. What would you do?"
Smith said, "I would shoot them with my rifle."
The sergeant continued, "Okay! On your left, Smith, you notice 1,000 enemy soldiers heading straight at you. What would you do?"
Smith answered again, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant yelled, "Just a minute, Smith. Where are you getting all those bullets?"
The soldier smiled and said, "The same place you're getting all those enemy soldiers."

Unofficial Rules for Branches of the U.S. Military

Marine Corps Rules:
---------------------------
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL Rules:
------------------------
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Ranger Rules:
--------------------------------
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
---------------------
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
--------------------------
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
--------------------
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Top 10 Politically Correct Statements About Men

10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

9) He is not quiet; he is a
CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

8) He does not get lost all the time; he
DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

7) He is not balding; he is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

5) He is not short; he is
ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a
VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from
REVERSE BULIMIA.

2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is
OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is
MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Brighter Side

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

The winning number was..

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her arse began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her arse as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707….

What 20 Million American Women Want

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

Blonde Nurse

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

African Roulette

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time.

There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.

"My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.

It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.

Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief

when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.

Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country.

The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful,

naked young women."

To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.

This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a bl*wjob."

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."

The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."

Cowboy at Restaurant

A cowboy had just spent a week penned up in a cattle railcar, tending to their needs until they reached their destination. Following the unloading of the cattle he headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order.

"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."

Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a f*cked duck, make sure it's f*cked, f*ck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse sh*t, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a c*nt, there must be a wh*re in the house."

Social Security Office

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Potential Employee

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you'redoing!"

Anger and Exasperation

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
"It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean".
With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random.
A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."
The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father.
"Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.
You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry.
He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells.
"Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.
"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like."
"Now you're going to hear exasperation."
He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end.
"Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"

Broke it to me gently

A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.
"Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly.
"I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?"
"How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked.
"Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him."
The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it."
"Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?"
The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."

Disgusted Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.