Social Security Office

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Potential Employee

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you'redoing!"

Anger and Exasperation

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
"It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean".
With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random.
A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."
The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father.
"Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.
You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry.
He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells.
"Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.
"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like."
"Now you're going to hear exasperation."
He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end.
"Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"

Broke it to me gently

A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.
"Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly.
"I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?"
"How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked.
"Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him."
The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it."
"Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?"
The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."

Disgusted Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Contraceptive for Men

The Perfect Man - Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”

Coke Machine

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'

Brand New Kitchen

A lady was complaining to her husband about remodeling her kitchen.
"You have been telling me you were going to get me new cabinets for ten years!" said the wife.
"They are a luxury and the ones we have are fine." the husband replied.

The next day the wife goes to visit her mother for two weeks.
When she returns she is overjoyed to see a brand new kitchen waiting for her.
She was so thrilled that every night when the husband got home she would have his favorite meal on the table and after dinner she would rub his feet as he read the paper in the recliner.
A couple of weeks later a neighbor came by for a visit.
After admiring the new cabinets she says, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the Kitchen."

Highway Patrolmen's Ball

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Lucky Bowl

An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl.
The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing.
What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from.
It was a rare antique worth thousands.
He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says "
No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"

First-aid course

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Doctors and Patients

1. Height of dentist's achievement! His patient coming out of the clinic with a smiling face, with "No Teeth".~ Maisie M

2. Doctor to patient: I've had the chance to treat a few cases like yours before. So let's just hope I get some kind of luck this time.

3. Patient: I have a feeling that there are 2 of me, Doc.
Doctor: OK, tell me again. And this time, both of you don't speak at once.

4. Doctor: I think you should stop taking sleeping pills every night. You may get addicted to them.
Woman: Don't be silly. I've been taking them every night now for 20 years and they haven't become a habit yet.

5. One night a Doctor got a call from a man. He said it was very urgent.
Man: My mother-in-law is lying at death's door. Could please come over and help me push her through?

6. Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc.
Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this problem?
Patient: How long have I had what problem?

Some Short Jokes

# Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?
Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly question?

# Dying wife to husband: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something.
Husband: What's that honey?
Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes.
Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.

# A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.

# A man in a pub had a hangover from the night before.
Man to bartender: Can you get me something for a hangover?
Bartender: What do you want?
Man: Anything that's tall, cold, and filled with gin.
Another drunk man: I'll hit you if you don't take that back. You are talking about the woman I married.

# Jennifer: Charlie asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world.
Ashley: And which one of these you decided to do?

# A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

Anagrams

An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room

EVANGELIST
Evil's Agent

SLOT MACHINES
Cash Lost in 'em

MOTHER-IN-LAW
Woman Hitler

A DECIMAL POINT
I'm a Dot in Place

THE EARTHQUAKES
That Queer Shake

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Twelve plus one

CLINTON PRESIDENT OF THE USA
To copulate he finds interns

What mother like

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Relaxing Bath

Two Priests and a Blonde

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They wanted to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy As soon as the plane landed they headed or a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.

:happy:As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said: “Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”

“Yes, Father?”

“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’”

She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.

Twenty five whiskeys

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"

So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my p*ssy sore."

Woman's Ear

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'

'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'

'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'