The Perfect Man - Frank Feldman
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”
Coke Machine
A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'
After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.
People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.
After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'
'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'
Brand New Kitchen
A lady was complaining to her husband about remodeling her kitchen.
"You have been telling me you were going to get me new cabinets for ten years!" said the wife.
"They are a luxury and the ones we have are fine." the husband replied.
The next day the wife goes to visit her mother for two weeks.
When she returns she is overjoyed to see a brand new kitchen waiting for her.
She was so thrilled that every night when the husband got home she would have his favorite meal on the table and after dinner she would rub his feet as he read the paper in the recliner.
A couple of weeks later a neighbor came by for a visit.
After admiring the new cabinets she says, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the Kitchen."
"You have been telling me you were going to get me new cabinets for ten years!" said the wife.
"They are a luxury and the ones we have are fine." the husband replied.
The next day the wife goes to visit her mother for two weeks.
When she returns she is overjoyed to see a brand new kitchen waiting for her.
She was so thrilled that every night when the husband got home she would have his favorite meal on the table and after dinner she would rub his feet as he read the paper in the recliner.
A couple of weeks later a neighbor came by for a visit.
After admiring the new cabinets she says, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the Kitchen."
Highway Patrolmen's Ball
The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Lucky Bowl
An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl.
The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing.
What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from.
It was a rare antique worth thousands.
He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says "
No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing.
What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from.
It was a rare antique worth thousands.
He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says "
No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
First-aid course
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
Doctors and Patients
1. Height of dentist's achievement! His patient coming out of the clinic with a smiling face, with "No Teeth".~ Maisie M
2. Doctor to patient: I've had the chance to treat a few cases like yours before. So let's just hope I get some kind of luck this time.
3. Patient: I have a feeling that there are 2 of me, Doc.
Doctor: OK, tell me again. And this time, both of you don't speak at once.
4. Doctor: I think you should stop taking sleeping pills every night. You may get addicted to them.
Woman: Don't be silly. I've been taking them every night now for 20 years and they haven't become a habit yet.
5. One night a Doctor got a call from a man. He said it was very urgent.
Man: My mother-in-law is lying at death's door. Could please come over and help me push her through?
6. Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc.
Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this problem?
Patient: How long have I had what problem?
2. Doctor to patient: I've had the chance to treat a few cases like yours before. So let's just hope I get some kind of luck this time.
3. Patient: I have a feeling that there are 2 of me, Doc.
Doctor: OK, tell me again. And this time, both of you don't speak at once.
4. Doctor: I think you should stop taking sleeping pills every night. You may get addicted to them.
Woman: Don't be silly. I've been taking them every night now for 20 years and they haven't become a habit yet.
5. One night a Doctor got a call from a man. He said it was very urgent.
Man: My mother-in-law is lying at death's door. Could please come over and help me push her through?
6. Patient: I think I suffer from memory loss, Doc.
Doctor: I see and how long do you think you've had this problem?
Patient: How long have I had what problem?
Some Short Jokes
# Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?
Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly question?
# Dying wife to husband: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something.
Husband: What's that honey?
Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes.
Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.
# A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
# A man in a pub had a hangover from the night before.
Man to bartender: Can you get me something for a hangover?
Bartender: What do you want?
Man: Anything that's tall, cold, and filled with gin.
Another drunk man: I'll hit you if you don't take that back. You are talking about the woman I married.
# Jennifer: Charlie asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world.
Ashley: And which one of these you decided to do?
# A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
Wife: Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same silly question?
# Dying wife to husband: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something.
Husband: What's that honey?
Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes.
Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.
# A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it.
Wife: I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office.
Maid: Go on! You're only saying that to make me jealous.
# A man in a pub had a hangover from the night before.
Man to bartender: Can you get me something for a hangover?
Bartender: What do you want?
Man: Anything that's tall, cold, and filled with gin.
Another drunk man: I'll hit you if you don't take that back. You are talking about the woman I married.
# Jennifer: Charlie asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world.
Ashley: And which one of these you decided to do?
# A man writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
Anagrams
An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
EVANGELIST
Evil's Agent
SLOT MACHINES
Cash Lost in 'em
MOTHER-IN-LAW
Woman Hitler
A DECIMAL POINT
I'm a Dot in Place
THE EARTHQUAKES
That Queer Shake
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Twelve plus one
CLINTON PRESIDENT OF THE USA
To copulate he finds interns
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
EVANGELIST
Evil's Agent
SLOT MACHINES
Cash Lost in 'em
MOTHER-IN-LAW
Woman Hitler
A DECIMAL POINT
I'm a Dot in Place
THE EARTHQUAKES
That Queer Shake
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
Twelve plus one
CLINTON PRESIDENT OF THE USA
To copulate he finds interns
What mother like
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Two Priests and a Blonde
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They wanted to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy As soon as the plane landed they headed or a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
:happy:As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said: “Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’”
She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
:happy:As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said: “Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’”
She replied, “Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.
Twenty five whiskeys
A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.
She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"
"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my p*ssy sore."
She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"
So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"
"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."
He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.
The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.
It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.
When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.
The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"
"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my p*ssy sore."
Woman's Ear
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'
'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'
'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'
'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'
'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'
Mother of the Bride
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, too, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
But a week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not!" the witch (as Jennifer had come to call the girl who was not even quite as old as she was) said. "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I will be wearing it to your wedding."
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Nevermind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
"Of course I do, dear," her mother replied, smiling. "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
Fly In The Soup
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Rabbit and Snake
One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.
"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.
"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.
"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.
"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."
"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!
"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.
"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.
"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.
"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."
"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!
Italian Boy’s Confession
The Italian Boy’s Confession Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’. The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’ ‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?
‘ ‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?
‘ ‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’
You're all the same
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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