White Cloud
One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"
Once a year Vacation
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
Collection
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"
"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far ... ten gallons."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"
"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far ... ten gallons."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Two Dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
Exactly Same Duties
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”
25th anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Two Russian hunters
Two Russian hunters meet. I shot a gigantic bear yesterday, says Ivan. Look at the hide!
How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.
Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.
Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.
Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.
And what came out?
To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express
How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.
Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.
Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.
Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.
And what came out?
To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express
Private Part
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed and so Nurse Tracy asked him what was wrong.
'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'
The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'
The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
A Kiss and A Slap
A boss, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.
The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.
The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.
Run Over
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.
He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”
The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”
The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
First Time
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.
Neighbor's Dog
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Ultimate Aussie Insults
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking sh*t off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking sh*t off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
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