A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t make a face while doing it. SECOND, there`s a `gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there`s a woman up-stairs who`s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won`t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where`s that woman with the sore tooth?"
19 clues to calling it a night, for the ladies partied too much!
- YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN...
- You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
- You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
- You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
- In your last trip to pee you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
- You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
- You start crying.
- There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
- You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
- The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
- The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and & sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
- You've forgotten where you live.
- You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
- You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
- You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
- You start every conversation with a booming, Don't take this the wrong way but...
- You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
- Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
- You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not?).
- You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
Introduction
Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says: I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. you know,- young, urban, professional, peaceful, intelligent, ecologist.
The second guy says: I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. you know,- double income, no kids yet.
The third guy says: I'm a R.U.B. you know, - rich, urban, biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her - What are you? She replies: I'm a wife, W.I.F.E. you know - wash, iron, f**k etc.
The first guy says: I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. you know,- young, urban, professional, peaceful, intelligent, ecologist.
The second guy says: I'm a D.I.N.K.Y. you know,- double income, no kids yet.
The third guy says: I'm a R.U.B. you know, - rich, urban, biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her - What are you? She replies: I'm a wife, W.I.F.E. you know - wash, iron, f**k etc.
16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
- It's an incentive to show up.
- It leads to more honest communications
- It reduces complaints about low pay.
- Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
- It encourages car pooling.
- Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
- It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
- It makes fellow employees look better.
- It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
- Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
- Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
- Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
- It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
- Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
- Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
- Sitting "Bare bottom " on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Ferrari GTO
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear. Then, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yeah ... unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear. Then, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yeah ... unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
A Cowboy Dog
A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.
At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.
The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"
At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.
The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"
Still in da Crate
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Olof immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Olof immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!
Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?
Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
*Last one to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?*
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
- There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this
- One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
- There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace.Please rectify this problem.
- My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
- I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?
- It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
- There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
- You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
- You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
*Last one to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?*
Little Johnny at horse auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom ....'
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom ....'
Car Mechanic and A Doctor
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage,” Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively :
"So doctor, look at this.... I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work?
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try to do it when the engine is running".
The mechanic shouted across the garage,” Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively :
"So doctor, look at this.... I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work?
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try to do it when the engine is running".
27 Serious Funny One Liners
- Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
- Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
- I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
- A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
- Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
- Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
- You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
- Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..
- Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
- Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
- Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
- A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
- You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
- It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
- Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
- Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
- Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
- They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
- Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
- Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
- It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
- There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
- There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
Why is this dentist THE man for you?
Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist.
She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.
Rosey said, "Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"
"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me ... 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."
She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.
Rosey said, "Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"
"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me ... 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."
I have a mouse in my pants
Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.
One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.
One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.
He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."
The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.
As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."
At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.
American Tech Support
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
**********
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
**********
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
**********
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
**********
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.
**********
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
**********
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
**********
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
**********
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
**********
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
**********
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
**********
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
**********
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
**********
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
**********
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
**********
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
**********
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
**********
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.
**********
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
**********
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
**********
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
**********
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
**********
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
**********
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
**********
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
**********
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
**********
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Indian barmaid
An Indian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Indian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Rs.5,000 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for Rs.5,000. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in India. - "Delhi", he tells her.
So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Paschim Vihar" he replies.
"That's amazing..... ...." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what Road?" " S.V.P. Road" he replies.
This is unbelievable. ........" she says, her voice quavering.
"Which Building?" "Chandra Mahal", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this...... ",
She screams, "but I'm from Surya MahaL......2 buildings down the lane! My parents still live there!"
" I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me Rs.25, 000 to give to you".
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Rs.5,000 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for Rs.5,000. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in India. - "Delhi", he tells her.
So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Paschim Vihar" he replies.
"That's amazing..... ...." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what Road?" " S.V.P. Road" he replies.
This is unbelievable. ........" she says, her voice quavering.
"Which Building?" "Chandra Mahal", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this...... ",
She screams, "but I'm from Surya MahaL......2 buildings down the lane! My parents still live there!"
" I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me Rs.25, 000 to give to you".
Brazillian Air Crash
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!
The only heaven on the Earth
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France ..
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same"$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, thereWas the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign." Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest simply smiled and answered,
"You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth. :))
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France ..
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same"$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, thereWas the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign." Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest simply smiled and answered,
"You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth. :))
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)