Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

27 Serious Funny One Liners

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Why is this dentist THE man for you?

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist.

She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.

Rosey said, "Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"

"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me ... 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

I have a mouse in my pants

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

American Tech Support

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

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And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Indian barmaid

An Indian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Indian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Rs.5,000 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for Rs.5,000. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in India. - "Delhi", he tells her.
So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Paschim Vihar" he replies.
"That's amazing..... ...." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what Road?" " S.V.P. Road" he replies.
This is unbelievable. ........" she says, her voice quavering.
"Which Building?" "Chandra Mahal", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this...... ",
She screams, "but I'm from Surya MahaL......2 buildings down the lane! My parents still live there!"

" I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me Rs.25, 000 to give to you".

Brazillian Air Crash

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!

The only heaven on the Earth

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the

Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France ..
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same"$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, thereWas the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign." Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest simply smiled and answered,
"You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth. :))

Rajinikanth Driving Licence

Answer to go home

It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids, "As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. o.k, who said four score and seven years ago?"

Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
"Yes, Johnny?"

But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."

Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,
"Who said I have a dream.."
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."
"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."

At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"
"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."

Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
"Who said that?"asked the teacher.
"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"

Did God make you?

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

Dieting Rules

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

Euro trip

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

Fastest Insurance Claim Settlements

Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.

The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."

The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."

The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."

Never let me live in a vegetative state

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

*....I ALMOST DIED!!!

Marriage Mix

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

*****

Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

*****

What's the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

*****

Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?
Man: My wife...

*****

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I love u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll
kill u.

*****

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Natural Airbags

Good touch bridesmaid

I love you has 8 letters so does potatoes

Undercover

What did you win the last time?

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls eye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"