A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?"
Some More of Rajinikanth Jokes
* RECENTLY CHINA AIRPORTS WERE CLOSED DUE TO HEAVY FOG
........ LATER IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT RAJANIKANTH WAS SMOKING IN INDIA!!!!!!!!!!
* RAJANIKANTH DID HIS KG FROM SEVEN DIFFERENT PLACES..TODAY THOSE PLACES ARE KNOWN AS IITs!!!!!!
* GOVERNMENT OF INDIA PAYS TAX TO RAJANIKANTH FOR LIVING IN INDIA!!!!!!!
* DEFINITION OF SOLAR ECLIPSE:
WHEN RAJANIKANTH STARES AT SUN WITH ANGER, SUN HIDES BEHIND THE MOON. THIS GREATEST PHENOMENA IS CALLED SOLAR ECLIPSE.........!!!!!
* RAJANIKANTH WOKE UP ONE DAY AND DECIDED HE SHOULD SHARE ATLEAST ONE PERCENT OF HIS KNOWLEDGE WITH THE WORLD......
THUS....................... THE GOOGLE WAS BORN!!!!
* THINK WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF RAJANI WOULD HAVE BORN 150 YEARS AGO..?????
BRITISH WOULD HAVE FOUGHT FOR INDEPENDANCE....
* BEST RAJANI JOKE!!!!!!
EVEN GHAJINI REMEMBERS RAJANI!!!!
* AN EMAIL WAS SENT FROM MYSORE TO BANGALORE
RAJANIKANTH STOPPED IT AT MANDYA ....
* WHY DO EARTHQUAKE OCCURS?????
BECAUSE AT THAT TIME RAJANIKANTH'S MOBILE IS ON VIBRATION MODE!!!!!!!!!
* ONCE RAJANIKANTH BUNKED A WHOLE DAY IN SCHOOL.....!
SINCE THEN THAT DAY IS KNOWN AS
................
..............
SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* THE PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT ARE ACTUALLY.................................
..........RAJANIKANTHS PRIMARY SCHOOL CRAFT PROJECTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
* BREAKING NEWS:
ISRO DOES NOT EXISTS ANYMORE.....!!
RAJANIKANTH PURCHASED ALL THE ROCKETS FOR DIWALI
CELEBRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* WHY DID RAJANI BUY AN ACRE OF LAND WTH 4 WELLS ON EACH CORNER?????
....................... TO PLAY CARROM!!!!!!
* BEFORE TOM CRUISE, RAJANI WAS APPROACHED FOR THE MOVIE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, BUT RAJANI REFUSED AS HE FOUND THE TITLE INSULTING..
* .RAJNIKANTHS NEXT PROJECT. TITANIC IN TAMIL. CLIMAX REVISED. BOTH SURVIVE. RAJNIKANT SWIMS ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN WITH HEROINE IN ONE HAND AND TITANIC IN THE OTHER.
........ LATER IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT RAJANIKANTH WAS SMOKING IN INDIA!!!!!!!!!!
* RAJANIKANTH DID HIS KG FROM SEVEN DIFFERENT PLACES..TODAY THOSE PLACES ARE KNOWN AS IITs!!!!!!
* GOVERNMENT OF INDIA PAYS TAX TO RAJANIKANTH FOR LIVING IN INDIA!!!!!!!
* DEFINITION OF SOLAR ECLIPSE:
WHEN RAJANIKANTH STARES AT SUN WITH ANGER, SUN HIDES BEHIND THE MOON. THIS GREATEST PHENOMENA IS CALLED SOLAR ECLIPSE.........!!!!!
* RAJANIKANTH WOKE UP ONE DAY AND DECIDED HE SHOULD SHARE ATLEAST ONE PERCENT OF HIS KNOWLEDGE WITH THE WORLD......
THUS....................... THE GOOGLE WAS BORN!!!!
* THINK WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF RAJANI WOULD HAVE BORN 150 YEARS AGO..?????
BRITISH WOULD HAVE FOUGHT FOR INDEPENDANCE....
* BEST RAJANI JOKE!!!!!!
EVEN GHAJINI REMEMBERS RAJANI!!!!
* AN EMAIL WAS SENT FROM MYSORE TO BANGALORE
RAJANIKANTH STOPPED IT AT MANDYA ....
* WHY DO EARTHQUAKE OCCURS?????
BECAUSE AT THAT TIME RAJANIKANTH'S MOBILE IS ON VIBRATION MODE!!!!!!!!!
* ONCE RAJANIKANTH BUNKED A WHOLE DAY IN SCHOOL.....!
SINCE THEN THAT DAY IS KNOWN AS
................
..............
SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* THE PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT ARE ACTUALLY.................................
..........RAJANIKANTHS PRIMARY SCHOOL CRAFT PROJECTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
* BREAKING NEWS:
ISRO DOES NOT EXISTS ANYMORE.....!!
RAJANIKANTH PURCHASED ALL THE ROCKETS FOR DIWALI
CELEBRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* WHY DID RAJANI BUY AN ACRE OF LAND WTH 4 WELLS ON EACH CORNER?????
....................... TO PLAY CARROM!!!!!!
* BEFORE TOM CRUISE, RAJANI WAS APPROACHED FOR THE MOVIE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, BUT RAJANI REFUSED AS HE FOUND THE TITLE INSULTING..
* .RAJNIKANTHS NEXT PROJECT. TITANIC IN TAMIL. CLIMAX REVISED. BOTH SURVIVE. RAJNIKANT SWIMS ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN WITH HEROINE IN ONE HAND AND TITANIC IN THE OTHER.
Devil vs Politician
Three men : a philosopher, a mathematician and a politician, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer, then you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you`ll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
Politician then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat" The Devil did just that. Politician then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." Wrong," said politician, "it`s from my asshole."
Politician went to Heaven!
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer, then you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you`ll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
Politician then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat" The Devil did just that. Politician then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." Wrong," said politician, "it`s from my asshole."
Politician went to Heaven!
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
NEVER EVER again!!
10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours
(e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours
(e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
25 Signs You Have Grown Old
- Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
- Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and! our car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM! would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Types of Girls you see in the Restroom
SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.
TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.
CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.
DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.
SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.
WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.
THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.
STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.
TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.
CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.
DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.
SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.
WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.
THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.
STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.
The Cow, The Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
Fart Game
The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored.
The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".
So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!"
The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"
The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".
So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!"
The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"
Lateral Thinking
An interesting quiz for you Lateral Thinking abilities --- Think !
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work.Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way
up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly
satisfying. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved b y lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective
employees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
5. A man went to a part y and drank some of the punch. He then left early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its! statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Answers below but apply your mind first .....
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work.Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way
up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly
satisfying. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved b y lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective
employees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
5. A man went to a part y and drank some of the punch. He then left early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its! statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Answers below but apply your mind first .....
What’s the hurry .... think!
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SOLUTIONS
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1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. The surgeon was his mother.
3. It was day time.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man Drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. The surgeon was his mother.
3. It was day time.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man Drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.
What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?
Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”
Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.
At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.
But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.
At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.
But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Funny Horoscopes
AQUARIUS - JANUARY 20 to FEBRUARY 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. you lie a great deal. you make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.
PISCES - FEBRUARY 19 to MARCH 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the f.b.i. or the c.i.a. you have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. you lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES - MARCH 21 to APRIL 19
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. you are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. you are a prick.
TAURUS - APRIL 20 to MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. you have dogged determination and work like hell. most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. you are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. people like you because you are bisexual. you are inclined to expect too much for too little. this means you are a cheap bastard. geminis are notorious for thriving on insects.
CANCER - JUNE 21 to JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems which makes you a sucker. you are always putting things off. this is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. everybody in prison is a cancer.
LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22
You consider yourself a born leader. others think you're and idiot. most leos are bullies. you are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. your arrogance is disgusting. leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO - AUGUST 23 to SEPTEMBER 22
You are a logical type and hate disorder. this shit-picking is sickening to your friends. you are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA - SEPTEMBER 23 to OCTOBER 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. if you are male you are probably queer. chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. most libra women are whores. all libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO - OCTOBER 23 to NOVEMBER 21
The worst of the lot. you are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. you shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. you are a perfect son- of -a -bitch. most scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS - NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. you have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. the majority of sagittarians are drunks. nixon was a sagittarian. you are not worth the time of day.
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. you lie a great deal. you make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.
PISCES - FEBRUARY 19 to MARCH 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the f.b.i. or the c.i.a. you have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. you lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES - MARCH 21 to APRIL 19
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. you are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. you are a prick.
TAURUS - APRIL 20 to MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. you have dogged determination and work like hell. most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. you are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. people like you because you are bisexual. you are inclined to expect too much for too little. this means you are a cheap bastard. geminis are notorious for thriving on insects.
CANCER - JUNE 21 to JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems which makes you a sucker. you are always putting things off. this is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. everybody in prison is a cancer.
LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22
You consider yourself a born leader. others think you're and idiot. most leos are bullies. you are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. your arrogance is disgusting. leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO - AUGUST 23 to SEPTEMBER 22
You are a logical type and hate disorder. this shit-picking is sickening to your friends. you are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA - SEPTEMBER 23 to OCTOBER 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. if you are male you are probably queer. chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. most libra women are whores. all libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO - OCTOBER 23 to NOVEMBER 21
The worst of the lot. you are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. you shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. you are a perfect son- of -a -bitch. most scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS - NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. you have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. the majority of sagittarians are drunks. nixon was a sagittarian. you are not worth the time of day.
Definitions of a Bachelor
** One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
Men are Like...
Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get Hard.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head Right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you Up all night long.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are Usually wrong.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright
Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them
Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get Hard.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head Right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you Up all night long.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are Usually wrong.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright
Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them
Why The 80's Were Cooler For Being A Teenager Than The 90's
- MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.
- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.
- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!
- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.
- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.
- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!
A women’s lib speaker
A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
Why Men Get Out Of Bed
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all your male ancestors fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your sister wants to join the Wives of Marines organization.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the smell of dead bodies gets you aroused.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when your D.I. says, “The Crucible will include female Marine participation” and you yell out, “Yeee Doggies, there be lovin on the battlefield tonight.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been assigned aboard a Naval Task Force heading to Iraq and a young female Navy Ensign bends over and you yell out, “CHARGE.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when a non white female Marine Cpl. from NYC threatens to kick your ass for the sexual advances you just made, and you reply, “Wow, just like being with my older half sister cause there’s nutin like a good ass kickin before the sex lickin starts.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think an S & M club means Sex with Momma.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if ALL the women you talk to, you call “Darling.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think big city girls are from Nashville, Gatorsburg, and Louisville.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the waitress at the local choke and puke calls you a “Filthy Beast.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your D.I. tells you to trim the hairs out of your nose.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your older brother got a Section 8 from the Army for masturbating on the parade field.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your the reason the hospital maternity ward put up the sign in the birthing room that reads, “Do NOT Have Sex On This Bed.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your Mamma and Sister have to comb the hair under their arms.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you go to the zoo, drop your pants, take a shit, and throw it at the caged gorillas.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if California women keep telling you that “You drag your knuckles”, and you don’t have a clue what the hell they are talking about.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you brought the junior miss middle school prom queen to your high school prom night.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your classes at high school were often canceled because the path to the rest room was flooded.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you were truly a head and shoulders above all the rest of the kids in school, of course this is because you had to repeat the first grade 3 times.
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