A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
Fart Game
The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored.
The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".
So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!"
The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"
The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".
So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!"
The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"
Lateral Thinking
An interesting quiz for you Lateral Thinking abilities --- Think !
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work.Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way
up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly
satisfying. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved b y lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective
employees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
5. A man went to a part y and drank some of the punch. He then left early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its! statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Answers below but apply your mind first .....
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work.Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way
up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly
satisfying. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved b y lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective
employees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
5. A man went to a part y and drank some of the punch. He then left early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its! statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Answers below but apply your mind first .....
What’s the hurry .... think!
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SOLUTIONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. The surgeon was his mother.
3. It was day time.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man Drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. The surgeon was his mother.
3. It was day time.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man Drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.
What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?
Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”
Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.
At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.
But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.
At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!
About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.
But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"
And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Funny Horoscopes
AQUARIUS - JANUARY 20 to FEBRUARY 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. you lie a great deal. you make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.
PISCES - FEBRUARY 19 to MARCH 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the f.b.i. or the c.i.a. you have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. you lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES - MARCH 21 to APRIL 19
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. you are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. you are a prick.
TAURUS - APRIL 20 to MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. you have dogged determination and work like hell. most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. you are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. people like you because you are bisexual. you are inclined to expect too much for too little. this means you are a cheap bastard. geminis are notorious for thriving on insects.
CANCER - JUNE 21 to JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems which makes you a sucker. you are always putting things off. this is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. everybody in prison is a cancer.
LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22
You consider yourself a born leader. others think you're and idiot. most leos are bullies. you are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. your arrogance is disgusting. leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO - AUGUST 23 to SEPTEMBER 22
You are a logical type and hate disorder. this shit-picking is sickening to your friends. you are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA - SEPTEMBER 23 to OCTOBER 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. if you are male you are probably queer. chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. most libra women are whores. all libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO - OCTOBER 23 to NOVEMBER 21
The worst of the lot. you are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. you shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. you are a perfect son- of -a -bitch. most scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS - NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. you have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. the majority of sagittarians are drunks. nixon was a sagittarian. you are not worth the time of day.
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. you lie a great deal. you make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.
PISCES - FEBRUARY 19 to MARCH 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the f.b.i. or the c.i.a. you have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. you lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES - MARCH 21 to APRIL 19
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. you are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. you are a prick.
TAURUS - APRIL 20 to MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. you have dogged determination and work like hell. most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. you are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI - MAY 21 to JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. people like you because you are bisexual. you are inclined to expect too much for too little. this means you are a cheap bastard. geminis are notorious for thriving on insects.
CANCER - JUNE 21 to JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems which makes you a sucker. you are always putting things off. this is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. everybody in prison is a cancer.
LEO - JULY 23 to AUGUST 22
You consider yourself a born leader. others think you're and idiot. most leos are bullies. you are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. your arrogance is disgusting. leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO - AUGUST 23 to SEPTEMBER 22
You are a logical type and hate disorder. this shit-picking is sickening to your friends. you are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA - SEPTEMBER 23 to OCTOBER 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. if you are male you are probably queer. chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. most libra women are whores. all libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO - OCTOBER 23 to NOVEMBER 21
The worst of the lot. you are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. you shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. you are a perfect son- of -a -bitch. most scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS - NOVEMBER 22 to DECEMBER 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. you have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. the majority of sagittarians are drunks. nixon was a sagittarian. you are not worth the time of day.
Definitions of a Bachelor
** One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
** One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
** One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
** One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
** One who can forget his mistakes.
** One who can get into bed from either side.
** One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
** One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
** One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
** One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
** One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
** One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
** One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
** One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
** One who failed to embrace his opportunities
** One who is a free male.
** One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
** One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
** One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
** One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
** One who knows all the ankles.
** One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
** One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
** One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
** One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
** One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
** One who looks, but does not leap.
** One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
** One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
** One who never makes the same mistake once.
** One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
** One who never Mrs. Anything.
** One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
** One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
** One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
** One who tries to avoid the issue.
** One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
** One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
** One who washes only one set of dishes.
** One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
** One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
** One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
** One who would rather change girls than change their names.
** One who would rather cook his own goose.
** One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
** One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
Men are Like...
Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get Hard.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head Right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you Up all night long.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are Usually wrong.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright
Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them
Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get Hard.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head Right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you Up all night long.
Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are Usually wrong.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright
Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them
Why The 80's Were Cooler For Being A Teenager Than The 90's
- MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.
- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.
- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!
- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.
- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.
- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!
A women’s lib speaker
A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
Why Men Get Out Of Bed
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all your male ancestors fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your sister wants to join the Wives of Marines organization.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the smell of dead bodies gets you aroused.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when your D.I. says, “The Crucible will include female Marine participation” and you yell out, “Yeee Doggies, there be lovin on the battlefield tonight.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been assigned aboard a Naval Task Force heading to Iraq and a young female Navy Ensign bends over and you yell out, “CHARGE.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when a non white female Marine Cpl. from NYC threatens to kick your ass for the sexual advances you just made, and you reply, “Wow, just like being with my older half sister cause there’s nutin like a good ass kickin before the sex lickin starts.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think an S & M club means Sex with Momma.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if ALL the women you talk to, you call “Darling.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think big city girls are from Nashville, Gatorsburg, and Louisville.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the waitress at the local choke and puke calls you a “Filthy Beast.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your D.I. tells you to trim the hairs out of your nose.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your older brother got a Section 8 from the Army for masturbating on the parade field.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your the reason the hospital maternity ward put up the sign in the birthing room that reads, “Do NOT Have Sex On This Bed.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your Mamma and Sister have to comb the hair under their arms.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you go to the zoo, drop your pants, take a shit, and throw it at the caged gorillas.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if California women keep telling you that “You drag your knuckles”, and you don’t have a clue what the hell they are talking about.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you brought the junior miss middle school prom queen to your high school prom night.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your classes at high school were often canceled because the path to the rest room was flooded.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you were truly a head and shoulders above all the rest of the kids in school, of course this is because you had to repeat the first grade 3 times.
Virgin Father
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.
He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
Veterans Bar
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says “Veterans Bar,” they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, “That will be 40 cents,” They can’t believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, “That will be 40 cents.”
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?”
The bartender replies, “I guess you’ve seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime — wine, liquor, beer all the same.”
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven’t ordered anything.
They ask, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says “Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!”
He delivers the drinks and says, “That will be 40 cents,” They can’t believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, “That will be 40 cents.”
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?”
The bartender replies, “I guess you’ve seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime — wine, liquor, beer all the same.”
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven’t ordered anything.
They ask, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says “Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!”
At a Medical Convention
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”
After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”
smelly va*g*na
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly va*g*na. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.
He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."
He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."
A pet for husband
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive,"
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives bl*w jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another bl*w job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is outta here!"
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives bl*w jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another bl*w job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is outta here!"
Put back worm in the hole
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
What Women Expect In a Husband
- He will be handsome with a great sense of humor.
- He will throw his clothes in the hamper and when the hamper is full he will do the laundry.
- He has a full head of hair and shaves his face every day including weekends.
- He will insist on doing all the yard work.
- He knows where the vacuum is and how to use it.
- He enjoys doing all the food shopping and is an expert cook and dishwasher.
- He is allergic to beer, poker games and strip clubs.
- He will have a stomach you can bounce a coin off of.
- He will make the bed every day and PUT the toilet seat down!
- He loves the fact that you are going out with the girls
- He knows what foreplay is.
- He worships the ground you walk on.
Two notorious drunks
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."
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