- MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.
- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.
- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
- Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.
- In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.
- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!
A women’s lib speaker
A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
Why Men Get Out Of Bed
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.
You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all your male ancestors fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your sister wants to join the Wives of Marines organization.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the smell of dead bodies gets you aroused.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when your D.I. says, “The Crucible will include female Marine participation” and you yell out, “Yeee Doggies, there be lovin on the battlefield tonight.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been assigned aboard a Naval Task Force heading to Iraq and a young female Navy Ensign bends over and you yell out, “CHARGE.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when a non white female Marine Cpl. from NYC threatens to kick your ass for the sexual advances you just made, and you reply, “Wow, just like being with my older half sister cause there’s nutin like a good ass kickin before the sex lickin starts.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think an S & M club means Sex with Momma.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if ALL the women you talk to, you call “Darling.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think big city girls are from Nashville, Gatorsburg, and Louisville.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the waitress at the local choke and puke calls you a “Filthy Beast.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your D.I. tells you to trim the hairs out of your nose.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your older brother got a Section 8 from the Army for masturbating on the parade field.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your the reason the hospital maternity ward put up the sign in the birthing room that reads, “Do NOT Have Sex On This Bed.”
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your Mamma and Sister have to comb the hair under their arms.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you go to the zoo, drop your pants, take a shit, and throw it at the caged gorillas.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if California women keep telling you that “You drag your knuckles”, and you don’t have a clue what the hell they are talking about.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you brought the junior miss middle school prom queen to your high school prom night.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your classes at high school were often canceled because the path to the rest room was flooded.
- You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you were truly a head and shoulders above all the rest of the kids in school, of course this is because you had to repeat the first grade 3 times.
Virgin Father
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.
He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
Veterans Bar
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says “Veterans Bar,” they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, “That will be 40 cents,” They can’t believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, “That will be 40 cents.”
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?”
The bartender replies, “I guess you’ve seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime — wine, liquor, beer all the same.”
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven’t ordered anything.
They ask, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says “Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!”
He delivers the drinks and says, “That will be 40 cents,” They can’t believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, “That will be 40 cents.”
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?”
The bartender replies, “I guess you’ve seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime — wine, liquor, beer all the same.”
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven’t ordered anything.
They ask, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says “Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!”
At a Medical Convention
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”
After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”
smelly va*g*na
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly va*g*na. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.
He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."
He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please."
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.
"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."
A pet for husband
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive,"
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives bl*w jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another bl*w job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is outta here!"
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives bl*w jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another bl*w job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your a*s is outta here!"
Put back worm in the hole
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
What Women Expect In a Husband
- He will be handsome with a great sense of humor.
- He will throw his clothes in the hamper and when the hamper is full he will do the laundry.
- He has a full head of hair and shaves his face every day including weekends.
- He will insist on doing all the yard work.
- He knows where the vacuum is and how to use it.
- He enjoys doing all the food shopping and is an expert cook and dishwasher.
- He is allergic to beer, poker games and strip clubs.
- He will have a stomach you can bounce a coin off of.
- He will make the bed every day and PUT the toilet seat down!
- He loves the fact that you are going out with the girls
- He knows what foreplay is.
- He worships the ground you walk on.
Two notorious drunks
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he sh*t in my pants too."
Aussie sayings for I need to do a poo
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"
The Wine Tester
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, she is 26 years old, and is pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
PS – he got the job – did I have to say that?
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, she is 26 years old, and is pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
PS – he got the job – did I have to say that?
London Fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
Remainder of the proverb
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
A woman's diary - A Must Read
Day 1: We just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he says he'd wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.
Day 4: I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac pills with the Viagra pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6: Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG.
Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous.
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.
Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I Hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Shitt !!!........ Here he comes again!
Day 18: Aaaahhhh! Finally... The Prozac has kicked in again. The lazy ass just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he says he'd wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.
Day 4: I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac pills with the Viagra pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6: Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG.
Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous.
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.
Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I Hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Shitt !!!........ Here he comes again!
Day 18: Aaaahhhh! Finally... The Prozac has kicked in again. The lazy ass just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!
A Honest Lawyer
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
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