"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"
The Wine Tester
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, she is 26 years old, and is pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
PS – he got the job – did I have to say that?
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, she is 26 years old, and is pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
PS – he got the job – did I have to say that?
London Fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
Remainder of the proverb
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box
A woman's diary - A Must Read
Day 1: We just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he says he'd wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.
Day 4: I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac pills with the Viagra pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6: Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG.
Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous.
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.
Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I Hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Shitt !!!........ Here he comes again!
Day 18: Aaaahhhh! Finally... The Prozac has kicked in again. The lazy ass just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, and he says he'd wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.
Day 4: I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac pills with the Viagra pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6: Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. What am I going to do?
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG.
Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous.
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.
Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I Hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. Shitt !!!........ Here he comes again!
Day 18: Aaaahhhh! Finally... The Prozac has kicked in again. The lazy ass just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!
A Honest Lawyer
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Satisfying the wife
A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come every time."
The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife,
"Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like a black guy."
"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come every time."
The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife,
"Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like a black guy."
Two Nuns - Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical (SL)
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you
Romance Point System
A romance "point system" In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
HER BIRTHDAY
A NIGHT OUT
YOUR PHYSIQUE
THE BIG QUESTION
COMMUNICATION
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
- You make the bed (+1)
- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
- You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
- It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
- Named Tina (-10)
- Tina is a dancer (-20)
- Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
- You take her out to dinner (+2)
- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
- And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
- You take her to a movie (+1)
- You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
- It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
- You hesitate in responding (-10)
- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned __expression (0)
- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Postcard
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'
How Girlz rate Guyz?
Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves.
It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.
Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:
********
% Just A Friend %
Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Alex, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"
Alex: "Where are you going Sharon??"
Sharon: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph!).
********
% Good Friend %
You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.
Alex calls: "Hi Sharon",
Sharon: "Hi Alex. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"
(Sharon calls back after two days)
Sharon: "What do you want Alex? Why did you call that day?".
Alex: "Generally".
Sharon: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."
Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.
********
% Very good friend %
Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.
She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.
Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.
Sharon: "You know Alex, Jason is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".
Alex: "Who is Jason??"
Sharon : "My boyfriend."
Alex: Oh! ok. :-(
********
% Best Friend %
You are like the Cab driver. She can't live without you.
And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can have fun.
Alex Shopping. Alex Movie. Alex Coffee. Alex,you pay. I am having fun.
Alex is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.
Sharon: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends
Alex. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."
Alex: What?? (Alex drinks all night).
********
% Best of the Bestest Friends %
Ok now you are really special.
You are dad-cum-boyfriend-cum-brother-cum-everything.
Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.
You take her around.
You make her project.
You do her assignments.
You are allowed to take her doggie around.
You can hold hands on the beach.
You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along).
But but but... don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 3 times the salary you earn and has a flat in Creek city or Defence area.
Sharon: "Hi Alex. I am getting engaged to Jason. Jason this is Alex, he is my bestest friend".
Alex: Hi Jason . (Hand shake. Jason breaks Alex's wrist).
Alex is now heart broken and wrist broken.
********
% Boyfriend %
Uh... No comments dude. You're already Gone!
********
Now ~ where you stand?
It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have.
Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you:
********
% Just A Friend %
Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Alex, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??"
Alex: "Where are you going Sharon??"
Sharon: "None of your business" and bangs the phone.(Useless fellow.Hmmph!).
********
% Good Friend %
You are like a TV remote control. I need you and I know that. But I try using you when I really need you.
Alex calls: "Hi Sharon",
Sharon: "Hi Alex. I am going out with family I will call you back. Bye"
(Sharon calls back after two days)
Sharon: "What do you want Alex? Why did you call that day?".
Alex: "Generally".
Sharon: "Oh ok. I got to go out. Will call you later. Bye."
Will call when she needs lecture notes or some concert tickets.
********
% Very good friend %
Well you are like the pressure cooker safety value for the girl.
She will need you when she wants to bring out her pain or anger on someone.
Basically, she wants to talk to you. And you are special to her.
Sharon: "You know Alex, Jason is not eating. He doesn't sleep and is not able to concentrate on his studies. I think he doesn't like me anymore. And yesterday I saw him with another girl".
Alex: "Who is Jason??"
Sharon : "My boyfriend."
Alex: Oh! ok. :-(
********
% Best Friend %
You are like the Cab driver. She can't live without you.
And don't be mistaken. You are not her boyfriend. But you are allowed to take her little doggie around the park so that he (not you!) can have fun.
Alex Shopping. Alex Movie. Alex Coffee. Alex,you pay. I am having fun.
Alex is now sure that he should go ahead and propose. He dares.
Sharon: "But I thought we were just friends. We should remain friends
Alex. Plus, I have a boy friend you know that."
Alex: What?? (Alex drinks all night).
********
% Best of the Bestest Friends %
Ok now you are really special.
You are dad-cum-boyfriend-cum-brother-cum-everything.
Ultimately you are the darling servant of the girl.
You take her around.
You make her project.
You do her assignments.
You are allowed to take her doggie around.
You can hold hands on the beach.
You can see the sun set with her (because she wants to do everything she drags you along).
But but but... don't be mistaken. She has a boyfriend who works for a huge software company and earns 3 times the salary you earn and has a flat in Creek city or Defence area.
Sharon: "Hi Alex. I am getting engaged to Jason. Jason this is Alex, he is my bestest friend".
Alex: Hi Jason . (Hand shake. Jason breaks Alex's wrist).
Alex is now heart broken and wrist broken.
********
% Boyfriend %
Uh... No comments dude. You're already Gone!
********
Now ~ where you stand?
Do u know why spelling of women starts with “W”?
Becoz most of the Questions in the world starts with W ..
What ?
Why ?
Who ?
When ?
Which ?
Where ?
Whom ?
Women?
What ?
Why ?
Who ?
When ?
Which ?
Where ?
Whom ?
Women?
Don't copy if you can't paste
A well-known motivational speakergathering the entire crowd's attention,
said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!!!!!!!!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training
decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in
his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't
remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!!!!!!!!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training
decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in
his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second
half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't
remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
God isn't deaf
Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmother's house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike."
His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."
His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."
I can't find it - Hilarious
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Aussie sayings for I need to go for a pee
I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
A ten-dollar bill, A bible, and A bottle of whiskey
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ..."
"Our son is going to be a politician!"
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ..."
"Our son is going to be a politician!"
Ways to get your girlfriend to break it off!
Return her phone calls after a delay -- if at all -- to show her who's in charge.
When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop talking with whomever is in the room with you.
Provide her the luxury of listening to your half of an ongoing conversation.
Call her answering machine and leave a message for an old girlfriend by mistake.
Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get through when you call. Then get even angrier when she finally gets call waiting and puts you on hold.
When you're over her house and her phone rings, ask accusingly, "I wonder who that could be."
During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have protection and you don't, lie.
She won't mind once things get going.
Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some other noticeable place.
Answer her phone at 6am when her mother calls.
At the beach, offer to rub suntan lotion on her back.
Spread it on in nifty patterns.
Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not.
Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.
Act insulted when she swoons over Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, then wistle loudly and wave at Michelle Pfeiffer during Batman Returns.
Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing her puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all."
Talk to the dog instead of her.
Say "The dog likes me better."
Be sure to greet her when she gets home from work with the three words no woman can hear often enough: "What's for dinner?"
Ask her to make you apple pie like your mom used to make, then grimace after tasting it.
Leave the toilet seat up, especially during the night-- she's more likely to fall in that way.
Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.
Use the vacation money you've both been saving to buy a Widescreen LCD TV.
Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.
"Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.
Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight. Say, "Wanna go to a movie."
When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together, be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself.
Recommend your ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her.
Buy her a "Buns of Steel" workout tape.
Then buy her the Cindy Crawford workout tape for your own viewing pleasure.
As you fondle her breasts during an intimate moment, murmur in her ear:
"Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine."
Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls, you'd rather come home to her.
Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming" or "Your skin has really cleared up."
Leave your underwear all over the floor and complain "This place is a mess"
Push her head down to indicate you'd like a blowjob.
Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax.
If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good for you."
Say, "Honey, I introducted you to my parents as my friend because I think of you as a friend. A really good friend. You're a girl and you're my friend. They know you're a girl, so I just say 'friend.'"
When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop talking with whomever is in the room with you.
Provide her the luxury of listening to your half of an ongoing conversation.
Call her answering machine and leave a message for an old girlfriend by mistake.
Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get through when you call. Then get even angrier when she finally gets call waiting and puts you on hold.
When you're over her house and her phone rings, ask accusingly, "I wonder who that could be."
During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have protection and you don't, lie.
She won't mind once things get going.
Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some other noticeable place.
Answer her phone at 6am when her mother calls.
At the beach, offer to rub suntan lotion on her back.
Spread it on in nifty patterns.
Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not.
Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.
Act insulted when she swoons over Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, then wistle loudly and wave at Michelle Pfeiffer during Batman Returns.
Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing her puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all."
Talk to the dog instead of her.
Say "The dog likes me better."
Be sure to greet her when she gets home from work with the three words no woman can hear often enough: "What's for dinner?"
Ask her to make you apple pie like your mom used to make, then grimace after tasting it.
Leave the toilet seat up, especially during the night-- she's more likely to fall in that way.
Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.
Use the vacation money you've both been saving to buy a Widescreen LCD TV.
Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.
"Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.
Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight. Say, "Wanna go to a movie."
When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together, be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself.
Recommend your ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her.
Buy her a "Buns of Steel" workout tape.
Then buy her the Cindy Crawford workout tape for your own viewing pleasure.
As you fondle her breasts during an intimate moment, murmur in her ear:
"Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine."
Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls, you'd rather come home to her.
Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming" or "Your skin has really cleared up."
Leave your underwear all over the floor and complain "This place is a mess"
Push her head down to indicate you'd like a blowjob.
Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax.
If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good for you."
Say, "Honey, I introducted you to my parents as my friend because I think of you as a friend. A really good friend. You're a girl and you're my friend. They know you're a girl, so I just say 'friend.'"
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