A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain considers this, and finally said, 'I can't say that I condone it, but I can understand about the 'urges' and so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'
Take your pick
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21.
When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers.
“Oh honey!” said the young nymph,
“Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”
“No…” said the old man,
“It means you can take your pick.”
When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers.
“Oh honey!” said the young nymph,
“Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”
“No…” said the old man,
“It means you can take your pick.”
Why don't you go clean yourself up
Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul.
He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you sh*t yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.
He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you sh*t yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.
How'd you get rid of the gators?
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Would you help me out?
Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams."
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."
Source of the strange sound
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer’s club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Marine.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Marine.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?”
The Marines reply, “You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine.”
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three “police actions.”
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, “I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.
The Marines reply, “Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. may I have the key?”
The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst…
Finally, the Commander says, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a Marine.
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer’s club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Marine.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a Marine.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?”
The Marines reply, “You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine.”
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three “police actions.”
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, “I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.
The Marines reply, “Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. may I have the key?”
The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst…
Finally, the Commander says, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a Marine.
Season ticket
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Diary of a House Husband
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy
1). Make the beds......
What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.
Scratch one.
2). Pick up dog poop in yard.......
It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?
Scratch two.
3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......
Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
Scratch three.
This is easy, what's the fuss.
Think I'll go on the computer for a while.
4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......
Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
Scratch four.
5). Mop kitchen floor.....
The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
Scratch five.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
6). Find something fun for the kids to do.....
That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
Scratch six.
This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer
7). Vacuum the carpets......
That's a hard one.......
Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
Scratch seven.
8). Feed kids lunch.....
Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!
9). Clean out hallway closet......
Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.
Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs
10). Do laundry.....
no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer
Scratch ten.
11). Fold laundry.....
dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.
Scratch eleven.
12) Put the laundry away....
Baskets in bedrooms
work for me.
Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???
13). Water the Christmas tree...
Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.
14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......
These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth....
Scratch fourteen.
15). Pick up the kids ......
Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.
They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.
Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.
16). Make dinner.....
Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".
Scratch sixteen.
17). Clean out the dog house......
duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.
Scratch seventeen.
WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more puter and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.
1). Make the beds......
What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.
Scratch one.
2). Pick up dog poop in yard.......
It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?
Scratch two.
3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......
Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
Scratch three.
This is easy, what's the fuss.
Think I'll go on the computer for a while.
4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......
Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
Scratch four.
5). Mop kitchen floor.....
The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
Scratch five.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
6). Find something fun for the kids to do.....
That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
Scratch six.
This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer
7). Vacuum the carpets......
That's a hard one.......
Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
Scratch seven.
8). Feed kids lunch.....
Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!
9). Clean out hallway closet......
Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.
Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs
10). Do laundry.....
no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer
Scratch ten.
11). Fold laundry.....
dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.
Scratch eleven.
12) Put the laundry away....
Baskets in bedrooms
work for me.
Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???
13). Water the Christmas tree...
Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.
14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......
These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth....
Scratch fourteen.
15). Pick up the kids ......
Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.
They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.
Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.
16). Make dinner.....
Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".
Scratch sixteen.
17). Clean out the dog house......
duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.
Scratch seventeen.
WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more puter and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.
The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered..."I thought he was dead!"
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered..."I thought he was dead!"
Sign seen in repair shop
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
He fingered me first
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".
"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".
"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
Where are you going?
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Some more Rajinikanth Jokes
1) Galileo used lamp to study..
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
.
.
.
.
.
Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)
2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
.
.
.
.
.
Since dat day is known as Sunday
3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
.
.
.
.
.
wikipedia-the encyclopedia
4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans. To Play Carrom!!!
5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
.
.
.
.
.
Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!
6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
.
.
.
.
.
Because he reached USA without Visa..
7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
.
.
.
.
.
by running it on his fingure
8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
.
.
.
.
.
Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali
9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
.
.
.
.
.
and the world went into recession!!!
10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
.
.
.
.
.
Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)
2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
.
.
.
.
.
Since dat day is known as Sunday
3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
.
.
.
.
.
wikipedia-the encyclopedia
4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans. To Play Carrom!!!
5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
.
.
.
.
.
Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!
6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
.
.
.
.
.
Because he reached USA without Visa..
7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
.
.
.
.
.
by running it on his fingure
8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
.
.
.
.
.
Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali
9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
.
.
.
.
.
and the world went into recession!!!
10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!
You Might Be A Yankee If...
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
- You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don't know what a moon pie is.
- You've never had grain alcohol.
- You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don't have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
- You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
- You call binoculars opera glasses.
- You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
- You don't know what appliqued is.
- Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
- You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
- You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
- You've never been to a craft show.
- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- You can't do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You Might Be A Redneck If:
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)