The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered..."I thought he was dead!"
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered..."I thought he was dead!"
Sign seen in repair shop
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
He fingered me first
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".
"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look".
"Good lord!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been screwed by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
Where are you going?
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.
"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Some more Rajinikanth Jokes
1) Galileo used lamp to study..
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
.
.
.
.
.
Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)
2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
.
.
.
.
.
Since dat day is known as Sunday
3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
.
.
.
.
.
wikipedia-the encyclopedia
4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans. To Play Carrom!!!
5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
.
.
.
.
.
Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!
6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
.
.
.
.
.
Because he reached USA without Visa..
7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
.
.
.
.
.
by running it on his fingure
8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
.
.
.
.
.
Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali
9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
.
.
.
.
.
and the world went into recession!!!
10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
.
.
.
.
.
Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)
2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
.
.
.
.
.
Since dat day is known as Sunday
3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
.
.
.
.
.
wikipedia-the encyclopedia
4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ans. To Play Carrom!!!
5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
.
.
.
.
.
Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!
6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
.
.
.
.
.
Because he reached USA without Visa..
7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
.
.
.
.
.
by running it on his fingure
8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
.
.
.
.
.
Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali
9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
.
.
.
.
.
and the world went into recession!!!
10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!
You Might Be A Yankee If...
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
- You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don't know what a moon pie is.
- You've never had grain alcohol.
- You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don't have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
- You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
- You call binoculars opera glasses.
- You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
- You don't know what appliqued is.
- Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
- You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
- You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
- You've never been to a craft show.
- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- You can't do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You Might Be A Redneck If:
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
* You've ever re-used a paper plate.
* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It
- Talk about a huge breast.
- Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
- It's cool whip time.
- If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
- Whew, that's one terrific spread!
- I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
- Are you ready for seconds yet?
- It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
- Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
- Don't play with your meat!
- Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
- Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
- I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
- You still have a little bit on your chin.
- How long will it take after you stick it in?
- You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
- Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
- That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
- How long do I beat it before it's ready?
- Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
- Is that hole good and stuffed?
- Should I wrap that for you?
- I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.
Thanksgiving Story
I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you and threw the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you and threw the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"
Racing-car driver
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
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