Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Sean and Jason
Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”
Jason looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”
“I know,” said Sean, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”
Jason looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”
“I know,” said Sean, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”
Seagull and Toilet Paper
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
Truth or Slap!
Kyle's Dad brought home a robot one day.
The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.
When Kyle returned late from school. Dad asked, Son why are you late from school'?
Dad, we had extra classes today,
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
Dad, I went to see the movie 'Ten Commandments'
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Red Hot Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age..
I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved"
Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.
Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband,
"After all, he's your son!"
The robot slaps the mom.
The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.
When Kyle returned late from school. Dad asked, Son why are you late from school'?
Dad, we had extra classes today,
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
Dad, I went to see the movie 'Ten Commandments'
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.
Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Red Hot Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age..
I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved"
Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.
Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband,
"After all, he's your son!"
The robot slaps the mom.
Young Mwangi
Young Mwangi was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in Kampala .
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Mwangi aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on."
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Mwangi politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper!
Beef tongue
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
" Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
Operated for appendicitis
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
What should I do?
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas, bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples come out the other end. What should I do?"
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat sh*t."
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat sh*t."
Putting the dogs to sleep
Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.
They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why?
The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.
The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said, This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"
The other dogs say, " so that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toe nails clipped!"
They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why?
The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.
The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said, This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"
The other dogs say, " so that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toe nails clipped!"
Man and his Mistress - Hilarious Joke
For several years, a man had been having an affair with his mistress.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he said.
The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted...
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce!
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he said.
The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted...
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce!
My wife needs me to help
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
Smart Dog
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?".
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?".
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
How to ask for Salary Hike
One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, you received this letter of reply :
Oh my dear:
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need$ ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, you received this letter of reply :
Oh my dear:
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
Are your free tonight?
A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin......
A colleague asked : "What happened? "
She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"
I said: "Yes." .....
.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!
A colleague asked : "What happened? "
She replied : "He asked if I am free tonight?'"
I said: "Yes." .....
.... And the bugger gave me 50 pages to type !!!
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