At school little Johnny learns about medicines.
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.
The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said:Viagra
Johnny. What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, maybe that little sh*t will get harder'.
Teacher Headaches
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that.
Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty.
Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly.
When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes."
All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased.
But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that.
Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty.
Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly.
When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes."
All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased.
But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
But it's not from any man in this office
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room of their office building when the red head goes over to the corner of the room.
She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.
The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'
The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'
She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.
The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'
The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'
Authentic Skull of Saint Patrick
An American tourist traveling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere £150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".
Waist
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
You’ve got to keep that old motor running
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”
4-letter words
Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
I can't get out of my room
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The Black Rider
Mujo comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"
"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."
Mujo asks, "Who the f*ck is the black rider?"
The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"
Mujo thinks, "F*ck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!
The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"
Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"
"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.
Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.
The man says, "Blow me."
Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .
The man starts moaning.
Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"
The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."
"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."
Mujo asks, "Who the f*ck is the black rider?"
The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"
Mujo thinks, "F*ck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!
The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"
Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"
"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.
Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.
The man says, "Blow me."
Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .
The man starts moaning.
Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"
The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."
Diggin a grave
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. “This here’s a big mule!”
“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”
“Mule!”
“Donkey!”
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. “What are you boys doing?”
“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”
“Donkey, dammit!”
The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”
“No sir. We’re diggin’ an asshole.”
“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”
“Mule!”
“Donkey!”
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. “What are you boys doing?”
“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”
“Donkey, dammit!”
The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”
“No sir. We’re diggin’ an asshole.”
I'm in love with my horse
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"
It reminded me of a peanut
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his pee-pee today!"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)