It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”
4-letter words
Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
I can't get out of my room
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The Black Rider
Mujo comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"
"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."
Mujo asks, "Who the f*ck is the black rider?"
The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"
Mujo thinks, "F*ck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!
The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"
Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"
"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.
Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.
The man says, "Blow me."
Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .
The man starts moaning.
Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"
The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."
"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."
Mujo asks, "Who the f*ck is the black rider?"
The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here, or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to leave myself"
Mujo thinks, "F*ck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his knees tremble - the black rider is here!
The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"
Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"
"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.
Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking, and he can barely stand.
The man says, "Blow me."
Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .
The man starts moaning.
Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"
The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."
Diggin a grave
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. “This here’s a big mule!”
“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”
“Mule!”
“Donkey!”
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. “What are you boys doing?”
“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”
“Donkey, dammit!”
The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”
“No sir. We’re diggin’ an asshole.”
“This ain’t no mule, this here’s a donkey.”
“Mule!”
“Donkey!”
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. “What are you boys doing?”
“We’re diggin’ a grave for this mule.”
“Donkey, dammit!”
The chaplain cut in, “Boys, this isn’t either one, it’s an ass.”
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, “What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?”
“No sir. We’re diggin’ an asshole.”
I'm in love with my horse
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"
It reminded me of a peanut
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his pee-pee today!"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty"
I don't DO aerobics
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus.
Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
There must be a very good reason
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "that there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "that there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
Old Rabbi and Young IRS
A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."
Perfect woman
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed. "
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed. "
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
The break up
European Vacation Leads to Hilarious Breakup
They say the key to a healthy relationship is listening to your partner. Never has this been made so starkly evident as in the sad but hilarious story of JD and Em, which is currently burning up the Internet.
While JD claims he talked extensively with his girlfriend about the two-week backpacking trip he was about to take in Europe, she didn't seem to get the message. Below, read the highlights of the two-week chain of unanswered e-mails in which she gets angrier and angrier at his lack of response.
Friday June 1
Hey hun, me again. Tried calling your cell a few times today but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me are you?;)
Sunday, June 3
Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you?! I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here babe.
Tuesday June 5
Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell, you won't return my texts.... JD wtf?! I know you're around! Your friend jeremy is such a bullsh***er. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend I could hear you talking in the background
As JD checks out the old world, the poor guy gets dumped, taken back dumped again and cheated on -- all unbeknownst to him.
Tuesday, June 5
We're through... don't call me, don't text me, don't bother now. You'll never know what you lost, I was the one, and now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you, ha ha ha.
Sunday June 10
Remember that friend of mine that you were jealous of who I said that nuffin ever will happen with well I was crying with him about you and he told me how amazing I was, how he always though so and so I f*****d him to show you I'm right! Now who's the stupid one?
Tuesday June 12
I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us and now you've gone and thrown it all away and I have no idea why. . . . I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of bad and good. It may not change things and we may still be broken up, but you at least owe me a conversation. A chance.
Thursday June 14
I tried to reach out to you JD, I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. ... I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like, to watch the stupid movies you like, to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. I've moved on.
The day before JD gets home, Em finally manages to get in touch with his mom, who informs her that he is, in fact, on vacation.
Thursday June 14
subject: OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READY ANY OTHER EMAILS!!! If you love me, you will delete every email I've sent you over the past week without reading it.
JD reads the e-mails, effectively ending their relationship.
They say the key to a healthy relationship is listening to your partner. Never has this been made so starkly evident as in the sad but hilarious story of JD and Em, which is currently burning up the Internet.
While JD claims he talked extensively with his girlfriend about the two-week backpacking trip he was about to take in Europe, she didn't seem to get the message. Below, read the highlights of the two-week chain of unanswered e-mails in which she gets angrier and angrier at his lack of response.
Friday June 1
Hey hun, me again. Tried calling your cell a few times today but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me are you?;)
Sunday, June 3
Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you?! I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here babe.
Tuesday June 5
Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell, you won't return my texts.... JD wtf?! I know you're around! Your friend jeremy is such a bullsh***er. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend I could hear you talking in the background
As JD checks out the old world, the poor guy gets dumped, taken back dumped again and cheated on -- all unbeknownst to him.
Tuesday, June 5
We're through... don't call me, don't text me, don't bother now. You'll never know what you lost, I was the one, and now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you, ha ha ha.
Sunday June 10
Remember that friend of mine that you were jealous of who I said that nuffin ever will happen with well I was crying with him about you and he told me how amazing I was, how he always though so and so I f*****d him to show you I'm right! Now who's the stupid one?
Tuesday June 12
I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us and now you've gone and thrown it all away and I have no idea why. . . . I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of bad and good. It may not change things and we may still be broken up, but you at least owe me a conversation. A chance.
Thursday June 14
I tried to reach out to you JD, I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. ... I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like, to watch the stupid movies you like, to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. I've moved on.
The day before JD gets home, Em finally manages to get in touch with his mom, who informs her that he is, in fact, on vacation.
Thursday June 14
subject: OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READY ANY OTHER EMAILS!!! If you love me, you will delete every email I've sent you over the past week without reading it.
JD reads the e-mails, effectively ending their relationship.
DOUBLE coverage insurance
Two farmers met on the road one day and began talking.
"My wife is always into these new ideas she hears being advertised," one farmer told the other. "Now she wants to get 'pet insurance' for our cats. Can you believe that?"
"I've heard of that," the other farmer replies.
"Sounds like just another thing to waste money on," the first farmer added.
"How many cats do you have?" the second farmer asked.
"Two," the first replied. "Why?"
"Tell your wife I'll give you DOUBLE coverage insurance on those two cats at no cost," the second farmer offered.
"Wow, that's great!" the first farmer replied, "But how can you provide that? Especially double coverage and at no cost."
"Simple," the second farmer explains. "If anything happens to your two cats, I've got four more out in the barn you can replace them with!"
"My wife is always into these new ideas she hears being advertised," one farmer told the other. "Now she wants to get 'pet insurance' for our cats. Can you believe that?"
"I've heard of that," the other farmer replies.
"Sounds like just another thing to waste money on," the first farmer added.
"How many cats do you have?" the second farmer asked.
"Two," the first replied. "Why?"
"Tell your wife I'll give you DOUBLE coverage insurance on those two cats at no cost," the second farmer offered.
"Wow, that's great!" the first farmer replied, "But how can you provide that? Especially double coverage and at no cost."
"Simple," the second farmer explains. "If anything happens to your two cats, I've got four more out in the barn you can replace them with!"
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