When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, “And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?”
The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, “It’s a one-gun salute, ma’am.”
K9 Corps
“Are you sure you’ve put me in the Army all right, sir?” asked a volunteer at a recruiting center. “Am I really a soldier now?”
“Of course. Yours is the most famous outfit in the US Armed Forces. What’s the matter with it?”
“Well, I thought there must be some mistake and you put me in the K9 Corps. I’ve been leading a dog’s life ever since.”
“Of course. Yours is the most famous outfit in the US Armed Forces. What’s the matter with it?”
“Well, I thought there must be some mistake and you put me in the K9 Corps. I’ve been leading a dog’s life ever since.”
NEVER UP, NEVER IN
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
Did you know that
Two friends are talking in a bar.
One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"
To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."
One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"
To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."
You'll regret it
A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun.
When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.
"Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off.
So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge p*ssy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs.
Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.
Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded,
"Eat Me."
When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.
"Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off.
So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge p*ssy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs.
Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.
Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded,
"Eat Me."
Drunk Superman
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
Bravado
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
Three nuns
Three nuns were talking. The first nun says, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"
The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
Thats my Larry
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry.
One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
Frank and Bears
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
A Little Firefighter
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice firetruck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice firetruck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
A Lawyer at pearly gates
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.
“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now beat it.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.
“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now beat it.”
I’m NOT happy
There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I’m NOT happy; my ass itches."
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I’m NOT happy; my ass itches."
SWOT Analysis
A married couple was asked to present their SWOT Analysis.
His reply:My *S*trength is my wife. My *W*eakness is my neighbour's wife. My *O*pportunity is when the neighbour goes out. My *T*hreat is when the neighbour comes back unexpected!
Her reply:My *S*trength is my beauty. My *W*eakness our local plumber. My *O*pportunity is when pipes burst. My *T*hreat is when my husband starts reading plumbing "Do It Yourself" book!
His reply:My *S*trength is my wife. My *W*eakness is my neighbour's wife. My *O*pportunity is when the neighbour goes out. My *T*hreat is when the neighbour comes back unexpected!
Her reply:My *S*trength is my beauty. My *W*eakness our local plumber. My *O*pportunity is when pipes burst. My *T*hreat is when my husband starts reading plumbing "Do It Yourself" book!
Greed
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening.
That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone.
When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening.
That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone.
When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
Facts about women
- Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
- Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
- Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
- Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
- Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
- Women think all beer is the same.
- Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
- Women don't understand the appeal of sports.
- Women brush their hair before bed.
- Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
- Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
- Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Sharing Bed
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
Never been with a woman
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says.
“But if it’s anything like scr**ing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says.
“But if it’s anything like scr**ing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
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