The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
Goat Thief
Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"
"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"
"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted
These list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
- Oral Sex does not count.
- If you can't remember the person's name the following day... it doesn't count...
- If you failed to call the person back to have more sex...it doesn't count...
- If neither of you achieved orgasm...it doesn't count...
- Sex with a friend...it doesn't count...it's just another thing you share...
- If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this"...it doesn't count...
- An old flame...it doesn't count...
- An ex-spouse...it doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".
- Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...it doesn't count...
- Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation...it doesn't count...
- 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex...it doesn't count...
- Kissing body parts is not cheating...it doesn't count...
- An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other...it doesn't count...
- An act committed while you were intoxicated...it doesn't count.
- An act committed with a family member of your significant other...it doesn't count...this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet".
- Acts committed in a public place...it doesn't count...(why should it, it was public right?)
- Phone sex...it doesn't count...(refer back to "glorified masturbation")
- In car...it doesn't count...way too cramped...if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift...this counts...way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1...
- An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)...it doesn't count.
- An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)...it doesn't count...
- An act in which no kissing takes place...it doesn't count... (not considered to be intimate)
- An act in which "you do all the work"...it doesn't count.
- An act committed with your next door neighbor...it doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly".
- An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other...it doesn't count.
- An act which only happens on a random basis...it doesn't count, this should be considered " getting aquatinted "...
- An act with a US President...it doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment...
- An act with your boss...it doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
Attention Ladies!
Attention Ladies! Want to truly understand your man? Just
simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with
"What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point for each
correct answer!
"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6."I love you."
"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex
simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with
"What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point for each
correct answer!
"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6."I love you."
"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex
Something to hold on
A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.
The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas.
The man objects again: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says: "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
Life of an MBA graduate
Dear Diary,
I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!!
And I like it already.
"Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation.
"What the f!@#!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are happy...
Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can't wait to get my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is the beginning of great things.
P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the institute OD, OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I WILL handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 28th
Dear Diary,
Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left a month ago. So they didn't know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one.
I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication.
The phone doesn't work though...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 2nd
Dear Diary,
Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV and then asked me how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine section" of the plant.
Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us"
campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I am going to be famous.
-----
August 7th
Dear Diary,
My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula.
It takes into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is obviously not an MBA...
Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign.
P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 11th
Dear Diary,
I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with Engineering.
They said that should be enough for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings.
I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.
(That OD book is good)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 14th
Dear Diary,
I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She
is sure going to be impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply yet.
They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...
P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract can't be changed now. I dont have too much space left in my cupboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 25th
Dear Diary,
My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!!
Where's natural justice?
Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee
machine and tipped coffee powder into the polymer mixing matching tray. No one saw anything.
P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think.
Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 2nd
Dear Diary,
My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!!
That should be some sort of company record.
I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"
p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 4th
Dear Diary,
I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa. I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.
P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 5th
Dear Diary,
I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND THE STORY GOES ON.....
I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!!
And I like it already.
"Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman - Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation.
"What the f!@#!!!" were his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are happy...
Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can't wait to get my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is the beginning of great things.
P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the institute OD, OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I WILL handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 28th
Dear Diary,
Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left a month ago. So they didn't know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one.
I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication.
The phone doesn't work though...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 2nd
Dear Diary,
Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV and then asked me how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine section" of the plant.
Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us"
campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for ads. I am going to be famous.
-----
August 7th
Dear Diary,
My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula.
It takes into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is obviously not an MBA...
Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign.
P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 11th
Dear Diary,
I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with Engineering.
They said that should be enough for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings.
I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.
(That OD book is good)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 14th
Dear Diary,
I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She
is sure going to be impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply yet.
They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead is internal slang for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...
P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract can't be changed now. I dont have too much space left in my cupboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 25th
Dear Diary,
My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!!
Where's natural justice?
Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee
machine and tipped coffee powder into the polymer mixing matching tray. No one saw anything.
P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think.
Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 2nd
Dear Diary,
My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!!
That should be some sort of company record.
I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"
p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 4th
Dear Diary,
I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa. I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.
P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 5th
Dear Diary,
I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND THE STORY GOES ON.....
Second fiddle
The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"
Those sheep are lying
A traveling salesman goes to a farm house.
The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.'
So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in,
he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.'
He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.'
He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.'
He goes, 'That's incredible.'
And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30.
And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'
The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.'
So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in,
he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.'
He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.'
He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.'
He goes, 'That's incredible.'
And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30.
And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'
Wise old gentleman
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Dilbert Quotes
63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
All of your co-workers are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.
Change is good. You go first.
Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Feedback is a business term which refers to the joy of criticizing other people's work. This is one of the few genuine pleasures of the job, and you should milk it for all it's worth.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
All of your co-workers are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.
Change is good. You go first.
Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Feedback is a business term which refers to the joy of criticizing other people's work. This is one of the few genuine pleasures of the job, and you should milk it for all it's worth.
Pregnancy and Childbirth Advice
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.
Rejection line and what they actually mean
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
....and the number 1 rejection line given by women
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
....and the number 1 rejection line given by women
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
Two blonde genies
A guy is walking around the beach when he discovers a bottle with a cork. He picks it up, opens the cork, and out come two blonde genies. The genies grant him three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:
"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:
"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
Polish Blonde
A blonde goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?"
The blonde, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?“
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, " Because you're at Home Depot."
The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?"
The blonde, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?“
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, " Because you're at Home Depot."
Brokeback Spiders
A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"
Lost my grandpa
A small boy was lost at the Mall of America. The six-year-old approached a uniformed policeman and tearfully told him, "I've lost my grandpa." The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "Vodka on the rocks and women with big tits."
Gorilla Removers
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!
Blind man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!
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