Filter Whiskey
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?
Punishment in Hell
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
An hour to Spend
After two weeks of basic training, the drill sargent lined up his troops and asked them each who they would like to spend an hour with if given the chance right now. Several soldiers answered thier mothers, thier girlfreinds, etc. Then the sargetnt came upona unique answer.
Sargent: Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?
Private: my *&*^$% recruiter, sir!
Sargent: Private, who would you most like to be alone with for an hour?
Private: my *&*^$% recruiter, sir!
Cooler without wearing any panties
Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day.
They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any panties.
She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any panties.
She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
Satan
The local minister of a large congregation was having church services early one Sunday morning. As he was doing so, in walked Satan dressed to the hilt. Fire was shooting out of his eyes, smoke was coming out of his nostrils, and he left burning footprints wherever he walked. The members of the congregation were so alarmed that they all ran out of the church in hopes of saving their souls.
But in the corner sat a slim little old man in his eighties. Satan walked up to him with fire all around him. "Are you not afraid of me?" Satan said in a deep voice.
"No, I am not," said the old man calmly.
"And why not?" asked Satan.
The old man looked at him and said, "I have been married to your sister for 60 years!"
But in the corner sat a slim little old man in his eighties. Satan walked up to him with fire all around him. "Are you not afraid of me?" Satan said in a deep voice.
"No, I am not," said the old man calmly.
"And why not?" asked Satan.
The old man looked at him and said, "I have been married to your sister for 60 years!"
Animals?
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
FAQ's for women
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Giving More Than 100%!
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
A Navy Chief and an Admiral
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Big chief, no fart
An old Indian was suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servant to go to the doctor on his behalf.
When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."
So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.
The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.
A month later he returned again,"Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.
One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".
When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."
So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.
The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.
A month later he returned again,"Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.
One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".
Gold Watch
The American ambassador visited the Molvanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.
When he entered he said to the president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch has disappeared."
So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."
"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."
When he entered he said to the president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch has disappeared."
So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."
"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."
Japenese, Chinese and Jewish Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out>pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."
The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out>pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."
The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"
'Buddy' - The Pulling Horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Osama Bin-Laden will die on an American holiday
Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".
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