A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX .
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Sahara Forest
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......That's what they call it now!"
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......That's what they call it now!"
Funny Computer Questions
A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
EYE KNEE - THE RAKE
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left bre*st, then she points to her butt, and finally to her cro*tch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left bre*st, then she points to her butt, and finally to her cro*tch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
Some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
Sharks!!
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
I want my breakfast served
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
Eastern or Pacific
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
Interesting Management Story
It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.
Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”
Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”
Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”
Wolf: “You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene:
Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.
The moral of this story:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”
Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”
Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”
Wolf: “You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene:
Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.
The moral of this story:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
SCHOOL, College and COMPANY...
School:
Two books for one subject.
College:
One book for all subjects.
Company:
Books? what is it? Only follow standards.
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK
College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE
Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER
College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER
Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER
School:
If we go it's boring.
College:
If we don't go it's boring.
Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring
Two books for one subject.
College:
One book for all subjects.
Company:
Books? what is it? Only follow standards.
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK
College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE
Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER
College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER
Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER
School:
If we go it's boring.
College:
If we don't go it's boring.
Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring
The Nervous New Priest
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Wake up, son
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
A Trucker and Suicide Girl
A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".
The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."
Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."
The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"
The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."
Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."
The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)