On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
Sharks!!
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
I want my breakfast served
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"
"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
Eastern or Pacific
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
Interesting Management Story
It’s a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.
Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”
Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”
Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”
Wolf: “You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene:
Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.
The moral of this story:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Fox: “Do you know the time, because my watch is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you”
Fox: “Hmm… But it’s a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more.”
Lion: “Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed”
Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches”
Lion: “Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed”
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: “Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken”
Lion: “Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you”
Wolf: “You don’t expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: “No problem. Do you want to try it?”
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene:
Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.
The moral of this story:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
•IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
SCHOOL, College and COMPANY...
School:
Two books for one subject.
College:
One book for all subjects.
Company:
Books? what is it? Only follow standards.
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK
College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE
Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER
College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER
Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER
School:
If we go it's boring.
College:
If we don't go it's boring.
Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring
Two books for one subject.
College:
One book for all subjects.
Company:
Books? what is it? Only follow standards.
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK
College:
A White pipe in student's hand CIGARETTE
Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand 100% CIGARETTE
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER
College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER
Company:
Most Frequent letter- RESIGNATION LETTER
School:
If we go it's boring.
College:
If we don't go it's boring.
Company:
Go/don't go, it's boring
The Nervous New Priest
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Wake up, son
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52-years-old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
A Trucker and Suicide Girl
A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".
The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."
Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."
The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"
The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."
Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."
The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"
How did the human race start?
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race start?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, And so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race Was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, And so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race Was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Friendship
Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Dracula and Bat
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part.
The rules were simple.
Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes.
Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a house.
I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a school.
I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
So all the bats were honored to take part.
The rules were simple.
Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes.
Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a house.
I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a school.
I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
Shepherd
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
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