How did the human race start?
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race start?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, And so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race Was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, And so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race Was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Friendship
Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends.
Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Dracula and Bat
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
So all the bats were honored to take part.
The rules were simple.
Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes.
Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a house.
I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a school.
I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
So all the bats were honored to take part.
The rules were simple.
Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes.
Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a house.
I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower?
Behind it there is a school.
I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes.
And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
Shepherd
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Performance review quotes:-
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neurone short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
- Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Guess what we are eating
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
Wrinkles
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
Trivial Pursuit
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Old Geezers
Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.
Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.
"The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.
"The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.
"The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.
"The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
Shut the f*** up!
A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small dick. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dick with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.
Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.
One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”
Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny dick, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.
One night, while the two were fornicating, something made thewife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fuck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”
Who is this?
Pupil (on phone): "My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today."
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
School Secretary: "Who is this?"
Pupil: "This is my father speaking!"
The Bet
A guy walks into a wh*rehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a bl*wjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
Redneck Logic
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?,' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar.
He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're gay.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?,' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar.
He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're gay.'
Secrect way of Fishing
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
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