One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: Are You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
Sneaky Diagnosis
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."
"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding
under the bed!"
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."
"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding
under the bed!"
It's going to be a very cold winter
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Sniffing dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Haircut
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"
Funny Doctors' stories
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr.Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart"
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked."The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk,VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name.
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Doctor wouldn't submit his name.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr.Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart"
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked."The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk,VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name.
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Doctor wouldn't submit his name.
Coffee Break
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Arabic ads
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?".
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?".
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
Wife's car accident
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fooling with you, she's dead."
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fooling with you, she's dead."
Height of Flagpole
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'
Love dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nak*ed.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're nak*ed!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're nak*ed!''
Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nak*ed.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're nak*ed!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're nak*ed!''
Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
The End is Near
A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"
During the birth
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
Underwear in the laundry
The mother of a teenage high school girl asks, "How come I don't see any of your underwear in the laundry anymore?"
The young teen girl replies, "Oh mother I don't wear panties anymore the principal likes me ready to go at a moments notice."
The young teen girl replies, "Oh mother I don't wear panties anymore the principal likes me ready to go at a moments notice."
Snoring Ralph
The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Ralph because he snores so badly. They decide it isn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.
The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
Fred says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby."
The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
Fred says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby."
Ugly Gwen
Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts.
She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help.
Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and excited.
As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around.
Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"
She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help.
Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and excited.
As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around.
Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"
What is Blue Velvet?
One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them, "What's Blue Velvet?"
They proceed to kick his arses.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."
"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.
"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"
"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."
Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."
"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."
"Really?"
"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."
"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when
BAM!
he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The Moral of this Story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
They proceed to kick his arses.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."
"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.
"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"
"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."
Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."
"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."
"Really?"
"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."
"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when
BAM!
he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The Moral of this Story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing obscene is happening!
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
A Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
An Eminent Doctor
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have
embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have
embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
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