Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fooling with you, she's dead."
Height of Flagpole
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'
Love dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nak*ed.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're nak*ed!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're nak*ed!''
Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nak*ed.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're nak*ed!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're nak*ed!''
Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
The End is Near
A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"
During the birth
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."
Underwear in the laundry
The mother of a teenage high school girl asks, "How come I don't see any of your underwear in the laundry anymore?"
The young teen girl replies, "Oh mother I don't wear panties anymore the principal likes me ready to go at a moments notice."
The young teen girl replies, "Oh mother I don't wear panties anymore the principal likes me ready to go at a moments notice."
Snoring Ralph
The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Ralph because he snores so badly. They decide it isn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.
The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
Fred says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby."
The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
Fred says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby."
Ugly Gwen
Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts.
She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help.
Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and excited.
As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around.
Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"
She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help.
Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and excited.
As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around.
Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"
What is Blue Velvet?
One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them, "What's Blue Velvet?"
They proceed to kick his arses.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."
"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.
"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"
"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."
Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."
"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."
"Really?"
"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."
"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when
BAM!
he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The Moral of this Story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
They proceed to kick his arses.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."
"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.
"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"
"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."
Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."
"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."
"Really?"
"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."
"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when
BAM!
he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The Moral of this Story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing obscene is happening!
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
A Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
An Eminent Doctor
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have
embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have
embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
Interesting Thought - Megan Fox
"I think people are born bisexual and the make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man."
--Megan Fox
What is she trying to say?
--Megan Fox
What is she trying to say?
The Vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Mental asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Disabled swimming contest
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
You are what you eat
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
Academic Jargon
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
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