Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts.
She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help.
Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and excited.
As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around.
Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"
What is Blue Velvet?
One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them, "What's Blue Velvet?"
They proceed to kick his arses.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."
"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.
"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"
"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."
Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."
"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."
"Really?"
"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."
"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when
BAM!
he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The Moral of this Story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
They proceed to kick his arses.
The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."
"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"
Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.
"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"
Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming "What happened?!"
"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."
Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"
Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."
Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.
"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."
"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."
"Really?"
"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."
"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.
Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when
BAM!
he is hit by a car and killed instantly.
The Moral of this Story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing obscene is happening!
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
A Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
An Eminent Doctor
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have
embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have
embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
Interesting Thought - Megan Fox
"I think people are born bisexual and the make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man."
--Megan Fox
What is she trying to say?
--Megan Fox
What is she trying to say?
The Vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Mental asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Disabled swimming contest
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
You are what you eat
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
Academic Jargon
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
National Condom Week
List of possible slogans promoting national condom week
- Cover your stump before you hump
- Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
- Don't be silly, protect your willy
- When in doubt, shroud your spout
- Don't be a loner, cover your boner
- You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
- If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
- If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
- If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
- It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
- She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
- If you go in heat, package your meat
- While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
- When you take off her blouse, zip up your hose
- Especially in December, gift wrap your member
- Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
- Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
- The right selection will protect your erection
- Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
- A crank with armor will never harm her
- No glove, no love
- If you're gonna have it off, have it on
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have 5ex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started .......
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ........
************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.
It was always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again , I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
************************************************************************
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started .........
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old,
fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started ........
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have 5ex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started .......
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ........
************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.
It was always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again , I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
************************************************************************
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started .........
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old,
fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started ........
Singing Telegram
It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.
"Telegram!"
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"
"Sorry."
"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy,
"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"
"Telegram!"
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"
"Sorry."
"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy,
"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"
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