"I think people are born bisexual and the make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man."
--Megan Fox
What is she trying to say?
The Vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vas is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Mental asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Disabled swimming contest
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
You are what you eat
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
Academic Jargon
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
National Condom Week
List of possible slogans promoting national condom week
- Cover your stump before you hump
- Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
- Don't be silly, protect your willy
- When in doubt, shroud your spout
- Don't be a loner, cover your boner
- You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
- If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
- If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
- If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
- It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
- She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
- If you go in heat, package your meat
- While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
- When you take off her blouse, zip up your hose
- Especially in December, gift wrap your member
- Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
- Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
- The right selection will protect your erection
- Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
- A crank with armor will never harm her
- No glove, no love
- If you're gonna have it off, have it on
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have 5ex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started .......
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ........
************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.
It was always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again , I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
************************************************************************
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started .........
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old,
fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started ........
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have 5ex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started .......
************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ........
************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the shed, the boat, making beer.
It was always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again , I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
************************************************************************
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .......
************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started .........
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.'
And then the fight started ......
************************************************************************
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old,
fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started ........
Singing Telegram
It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.
"Telegram!"
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"
"Sorry."
"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy,
"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"
"Telegram!"
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"
"Sorry."
"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy,
"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"
Men's Stages of Life
Drinking
17 - beer
25 - imported beer
35 - vodka
48 - scotch
66 - Maalox
Seduction Line
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.
Favorite Sport
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping
Drug
17 - pot
25 - coke
35 - money
48 - power
66 - Viagra
Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."
Favorite Fantasy
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid
House Pet
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - black lab
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - dust bunnies
What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17
Ideal Date
17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place."
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - "Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs."
17 - beer
25 - imported beer
35 - vodka
48 - scotch
66 - Maalox
Seduction Line
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.
Favorite Sport
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping
Drug
17 - pot
25 - coke
35 - money
48 - power
66 - Viagra
Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."
Favorite Fantasy
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid
House Pet
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - black lab
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - dust bunnies
What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17
Ideal Date
17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place."
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - "Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs."
Oh, to Be a Kid Again
Decisions were made by saying "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
"Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Received from Steve Sanderson.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do over!"
"Race issue," meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down would cause giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
Received from Steve Sanderson.
Death on Christmas Eve
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
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