A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
*FREEZER BAGS*
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TYRES**
*Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS*
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. *
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES*
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. *
*TRAINS**
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.*
*EGG TIMERS**: *
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE** **CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
*FREEZER BAGS*
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TYRES**
*Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS*
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. *
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES*
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. *
*TRAINS**
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.*
*EGG TIMERS**: *
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE** **CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
I Bet I Can
This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady.
She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.
She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.
"Very funny," she said when he returned.
He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."
Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my
own ear."
She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.
He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."
Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.
A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."
He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"
She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.
She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.
"Very funny," she said when he returned.
He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."
Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my
own ear."
She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.
He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."
Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.
A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."
He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"
Professional Courtesy
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?
He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.
To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and they escorted him safely to shore.
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.
To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and they escorted him safely to shore.
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
Last Wish
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."
Golfing Nun
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
'You missed the damn putt, didn't you?'
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
'You missed the damn putt, didn't you?'
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
- I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- Do I look like a people person?
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
- Chaos, panic, and disorder---my work here is done.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
- Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Little Johnny get Religious
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around.
To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
Resignation Letter
Dear Sir,
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.
Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass
motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
__________________
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.
Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass
motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
__________________
Female Precocial Agreement
I, the undersigned, agree that:
Signed ____________ _________ _________ ______
Date ____________ ________
- 1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
- Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".
- I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
- To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.
- Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.
- And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
- After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.
- I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick" .
- In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
- I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.
- After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
- I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.
Signed ____________ _________ _________ ______
Date ____________ ________
Meanings of common words
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle..
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
30 things we learn from porn
- Women wear high heels to bed.
- Men are never impotent.
- When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
- If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
- Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
- Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
- Women always orgasm when men do.
- A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
- All women are noisy at cumming.
- People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
- Those tits are real.
- A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
- Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
- If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
- Double penetration makes women smile.
- Asian men don't exist.
- If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
- There's a plot.
- When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
- Nurses suck patients cocks.
- Men always pull out.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
- Women never have headaches... or periods.
- When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
- Ass holes are always clean.
- A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
- Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
- When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
- Dorky guys never have to beg
Women will be women
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop,and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced 50% - then her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and was in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.
When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.
Anyway she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished your shopping, because it's likely to be the last one you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility! '
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.
The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.......now show me what you bought.'
The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.
When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.
Anyway she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished your shopping, because it's likely to be the last one you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility! '
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.
The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.......now show me what you bought.'
10 Reasons Adam Was The Luckiest Man
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9.. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9.. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."
Ultimate Rejection Lines
... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.
... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.
... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.
... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.
... I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.
... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.
... I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.
... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.
... I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis ...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.
... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear...in a phone booth.
... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back ...and then find out it's the wrong one.
... I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
... Life is like a dick ... When it gets hard ... Screw it!
... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.
... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.
... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter ...and not a twist off either.
... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer ...and then wear wool socks...in August.
... I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.
... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.
... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.
... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda.
... I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.
Maths Lessons
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Are you happy?
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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