A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop.
"Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful woman I have ever met."
"Thank you very much, replied the woman."
The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars!" the girl responds. She slowly looks him up and down and then thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks? " responds the guy.
"Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we're just haggling over money.
Why why why?
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations.”
But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”
But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”
My husband's having a heart attack
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says , "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says , "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
And what would you like?
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale' s when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"
The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly . . . .
But What I need is a new tie!"
She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"
The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly . . . .
But What I need is a new tie!"
$600 rebate
Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2010) with the following:
''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''
''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''
I want to offer my deepest condolences
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calliing her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
So they met and it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom..
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
So they met and it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom..
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
PENIS SIZES and AGES OF VAGINA:
PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - OH SHIT, PAIN!!
7 INCHES - OH, I'M IN HEAVEN
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!
AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
9 INCHES - OH SHIT, PAIN!!
7 INCHES - OH, I'M IN HEAVEN
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!
AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine"
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine"
The Women DAIRY
DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
Double Dose of Viagra
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Temptation
An older man was married to a younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
Before Marriage and After Marriage
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Try startling yourself
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
It doesn't matter what you wear
A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."
Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."
Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."
Sexy Wife
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"
Stress Reliever
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice, “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blo*job.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
“I see you followed my advice?”
“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.
He gives him the advice, “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blo*job.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
“I see you followed my advice?”
“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.
Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?
Q: Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?
A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.
A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.
Now THAT'S a good date
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
Top 10 signs your family is stressed
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
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