Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calliing her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
So they met and it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom..
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
PENIS SIZES and AGES OF VAGINA:
PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - OH SHIT, PAIN!!
7 INCHES - OH, I'M IN HEAVEN
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!
AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
9 INCHES - OH SHIT, PAIN!!
7 INCHES - OH, I'M IN HEAVEN
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!
AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine"
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine"
The Women DAIRY
DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
Double Dose of Viagra
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Temptation
An older man was married to a younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
Before Marriage and After Marriage
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
Try startling yourself
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
It doesn't matter what you wear
A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."
Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."
Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."
Sexy Wife
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"
Stress Reliever
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice, “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blo*job.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
“I see you followed my advice?”
“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.
He gives him the advice, “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blo*job.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
“I see you followed my advice?”
“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.
Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?
Q: Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?
A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.
A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.
Now THAT'S a good date
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
Top 10 signs your family is stressed
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
Obsession with women's breasts
A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers?
Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"
"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers?
Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"
I don't know her size
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
Captains Log
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
Types of Boobs and Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
HMO manager
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
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