A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers?
Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"
I don't know her size
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."
Captains Log
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
Types of Boobs and Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
HMO manager
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Not a Virgin
A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:
Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.
P.S. Your p*ssy is in the sink.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:
Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.
P.S. Your p*ssy is in the sink.
Sperm Cells
A group of students had a biology lab.
As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.
As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.
Longest private part
A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
Honeymoon
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse." The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.6:30 a.m. The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices. "The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute. At 4:30 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse." The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.6:30 a.m. The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices. "The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute. At 4:30 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
Tomcat and its tail
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"
Driving permit
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair…."
To which his father replied… "Yes, you’re right…
and they also WALKED every where they went!"
He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair…."
To which his father replied… "Yes, you’re right…
and they also WALKED every where they went!"
Phone a friend
One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting rather frisky.
He asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.”
“OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.
He asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer?” She said “Yes.”
“OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.” he replied.
Different Perversions
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one's house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.
Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just sh*t in your purse!"
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one's house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.
Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just sh*t in your purse!"
Do not stay late in the office
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
Sleeping Pills
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
Big Butts
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your
butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife
was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
I can't sleep without it
Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Nain bole to sunte nain
mere ghar main rahko..baatan amman bava ke kartain
yaan ka kha ko vaan ka garain..nain bole to sunte nain
munh par makeup thoop ko..jati umar ke pichhe mut bhago
gai so jawani phir nain aati..nain bole tu sunte nain
balon main chutla jode tu..banta hai dil ka jooda
laikin balan cut karvarain..nain bole tu sunte nain
unke balan kat hone tak..mere sir main ginti ke..
hain so balan jhad ko jarain..nain bole tu sunte nain
charbi chhat ko duble padh gain..yek hafte se tahel ko aain
chalte chalte dhaklian kha rain…nain bole tu sunte nain
jab puchha samdhi se main..kya samdhan ummid se hain
sharma ko bas itna bole..nain bole tu sunte nain
yaan ka kha ko vaan ka garain..nain bole to sunte nain
munh par makeup thoop ko..jati umar ke pichhe mut bhago
gai so jawani phir nain aati..nain bole tu sunte nain
balon main chutla jode tu..banta hai dil ka jooda
laikin balan cut karvarain..nain bole tu sunte nain
unke balan kat hone tak..mere sir main ginti ke..
hain so balan jhad ko jarain..nain bole tu sunte nain
charbi chhat ko duble padh gain..yek hafte se tahel ko aain
chalte chalte dhaklian kha rain…nain bole tu sunte nain
jab puchha samdhi se main..kya samdhan ummid se hain
sharma ko bas itna bole..nain bole tu sunte nain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)