Weight Lost
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
More Important
Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.
Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'
Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'
What happens If INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100
Year : 2050
Place : IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)
Currency Conversion Rate : INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100
Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?
John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.
Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.
John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.
Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?
John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM .
Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA
John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.
Alex: So, when are you leaving?
John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.
Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .
John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta ..(green card)
Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .
John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.
Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai.
John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.
Alex: Where did you get the offer, Hyderabad?
John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.
Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! What about in Bangalore, Mumbai?
John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of software
Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.
John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.
Alex: By the way, who is your client?
John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.
Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.
My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.
John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.
Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?
John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.
Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.'
John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.
Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.
John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at a SiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-
Tech City of Bangalore. Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.
Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.
John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.
Alex: OK, Good Luck John.
John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.
Place : IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)
Currency Conversion Rate : INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100
Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?
John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.
Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.
John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.
Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?
John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM .
Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA
John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.
Alex: So, when are you leaving?
John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.
Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .
John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta ..(green card)
Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .
John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.
Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai.
John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.
Alex: Where did you get the offer, Hyderabad?
John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.
Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! What about in Bangalore, Mumbai?
John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of software
Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.
John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.
Alex: By the way, who is your client?
John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.
Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.
My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.
John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.
Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?
John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.
Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.'
John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.
Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.
John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at a SiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-
Tech City of Bangalore. Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.
Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.
John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.
Alex: OK, Good Luck John.
John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.
Pig was killed
Donald Trump was riding through the countryside in his black chauffeured limousine. All of a sudden a pig darted out in front of the limo and was instantly killed. Trump -- a man of business, after all -- felt really bad and instructed his driver to head for the closest farm house, find out if they owned the pig, and offer to pay for damages.
They soon arrived at a farm house and the chauffeur went to the front door. He was escorted inside by the farmer -- and was gone for over two hours!
When he reappeared, his clothes were in disarray, he was carrying a brown paper bag, and had the biggest smile on his face that The Donald had ever seen. He demanded to know were the chauffeur had been and what had taken him so long.
The chauffeur reported that he went to the front door, just as instructed, and had told the farmer and his wife what had happened. They invited him in, prepared a fine steak with all the fixins' for him.
Then they took him upstairs to meet their 21-year-old daughter who was a finalist in last year's Miss USA pageant. They left him with the daughter for about an hour so they could "get to know one another better."
When he came back downstairs the farmer's wife handed him a bag of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and sent him on his way.
"Wow!" Trump exclaimed. "What exactly did you tell them?"
"Well," replied the chauffeur, sheepishly, "I just told them that I was Donald Trump's chauffeur, and we were in a little accident down the road and the pig was killed, and...."
They soon arrived at a farm house and the chauffeur went to the front door. He was escorted inside by the farmer -- and was gone for over two hours!
When he reappeared, his clothes were in disarray, he was carrying a brown paper bag, and had the biggest smile on his face that The Donald had ever seen. He demanded to know were the chauffeur had been and what had taken him so long.
The chauffeur reported that he went to the front door, just as instructed, and had told the farmer and his wife what had happened. They invited him in, prepared a fine steak with all the fixins' for him.
Then they took him upstairs to meet their 21-year-old daughter who was a finalist in last year's Miss USA pageant. They left him with the daughter for about an hour so they could "get to know one another better."
When he came back downstairs the farmer's wife handed him a bag of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and sent him on his way.
"Wow!" Trump exclaimed. "What exactly did you tell them?"
"Well," replied the chauffeur, sheepishly, "I just told them that I was Donald Trump's chauffeur, and we were in a little accident down the road and the pig was killed, and...."
A blonde visiting Washington D.C
A blonde was visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Luckily for her, she spotted a cop.
"Excuse me, officer," she said. "How do I get to the Capitol building?"
"Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus," the officer replied. "It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drove off.
Three hours later the police officer's patrol returned him to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and walked over to her.
"Excuse me," the cop said, "but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
"Don't worry, officer," the blonde replied. "It can't be much longer now. The 51st bus just went by!"
"Excuse me, officer," she said. "How do I get to the Capitol building?"
"Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus," the officer replied. "It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drove off.
Three hours later the police officer's patrol returned him to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and walked over to her.
"Excuse me," the cop said, "but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
"Don't worry, officer," the blonde replied. "It can't be much longer now. The 51st bus just went by!"
I'd love to be six again
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Punctuations
Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes. . .
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?Maria
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Maria
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?Maria
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Maria
Singular and plural
A third grade school teacher is trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.
She says, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"
Little Maury replies, "Singular!"
"Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"
She says, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"
Little Maury replies, "Singular!"
"Very good," says the teacher. "What is it if five women are looking out of a window?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "A brothel!"
I'd stay faithful
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."
Three dreams of a man:
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
To be as handsome as his mother thinks
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
Laws Of Life!
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
I had an affair with a woman...almost
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost."
The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
Different levels of Sexercise
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............................12 Calories
Without her consent..................2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand..........................12 Calories
With your teeth.......................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories
69 standing up.........................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real.............................112 Calories
Fake.................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..........................................1 8 Calories
Getting up immediately......................................3 6 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years.........................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................80 Calories
40-49 years.......................124 Calories
50-59 years....................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................7,916 Calories
70 and over............................... A Miracle
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly............................................ .................32 Calories
In a hurry............................................. ....98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............................12 Calories
Without her consent..................2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand..........................12 Calories
With your teeth.......................485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories
69 standing up.........................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real.............................112 Calories
Fake.................................1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..........................................1 8 Calories
Getting up immediately......................................3 6 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years.........................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................80 Calories
40-49 years.......................124 Calories
50-59 years....................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................7,916 Calories
70 and over............................... A Miracle
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly............................................ .................32 Calories
In a hurry............................................. ....98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories
It's just a quarter
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
Elderly blonde
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!"
Don't you have a vase?
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
New recruit
A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."
"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
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