So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot.
It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.
The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me."
"All right," says the elephant, "what?"
"Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I've had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me."
The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.
So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.
This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree.
He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
The elephant says, "Ouch!" And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"
10 inches of Snow
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you!” the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says. “Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”
The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”
Condom pack 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them when they have sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them when they have sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
Santa Claus and Blonde
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
Early retirement bonus
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my pen*is to the bottom of my test*icles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants.
He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's pen*is and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your test*cles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."
They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my pen*is to the bottom of my test*icles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants.
He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's pen*is and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your test*cles?"
The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."
Cycle
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his
head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
Good Sign
A husband was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she let out a sigh.
The husband ran out and told the doctor what happened. The doctor said this was a good sign, and suggested the husband try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, which brought a moan. After hearing this, the doctor suggested that the husband should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the husband to be embarrassed.
The husband went in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a ghost. He told the doctor his wife was dead.
The doctor asked what happened, to which the husband replied,
"I reckon she choked to death!"
The husband ran out and told the doctor what happened. The doctor said this was a good sign, and suggested the husband try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, which brought a moan. After hearing this, the doctor suggested that the husband should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the husband to be embarrassed.
The husband went in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a ghost. He told the doctor his wife was dead.
The doctor asked what happened, to which the husband replied,
"I reckon she choked to death!"
Wonderful time on Fishing Trip
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Another man like me
Husband says:
"When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied:
"What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
"When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied:
"What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Resources Manager at the Pearly Gates
Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
What is my age?
Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg. Then, what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Kids in school think quick
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
HAROLD : A teacher.
Sex problem
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
God will save me
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will grant a miracle & save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me? I thought you would grand me a miracle and you have let me down."
God replied, "You idiot, I don't know what you're complaining about. I sent three boats after you!!"
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will grant a miracle & save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me? I thought you would grand me a miracle and you have let me down."
God replied, "You idiot, I don't know what you're complaining about. I sent three boats after you!!"
Unexpected knowledge gained from the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom should still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom should still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Dentures
An old man looking for oral sex approached his wife with a horny invitation, "How would you like to wrap your teeth around my d*ck tonight?"
The old lady nodded willingly, removed her dentures and said, "Do whatever you want with them, just don't wake me."
The old lady nodded willingly, removed her dentures and said, "Do whatever you want with them, just don't wake me."
Missed it by an inch
A man walked into a Super store and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
The Greeter replied, "That's my job."
A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
Finally fertile
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
Make me into a television
A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?
She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays
Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV
At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!
She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?
She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays
Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV
At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!
She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !
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