I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
Organic vegetables
A man went to buy organic vegetables from the market, because his wife had asked him to. Not finding any, he grabbed a tired looking employee at the store and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The tired sales guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
The tired sales guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small p***s.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Gay flight attendant
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch."
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, b*tch."
Are Women More Intelligent Than Men ?
Helen, a normal woman was married to John.
One day she found a lamp in the street and as you do she gave it a little rub.
Sure enough a genie popped out and said “I will grant you three wishes, but I must warn you that with each wish, your husband will experience 10 times worth”
Thinking about it for a few seconds she accepted the offer and said
“Make me the richest woman in the world”
The genie said “you do realise that your husband will become ten times richer than you”
“That’s OK, we have been married for 15 years, we are a couple, what is mine is his and his is mine”
Poooof: she became the richest woman in the world
“For my next wish I want you to make me the most beautiful woman in the world”
You do realise that this will make your husband the most attractive man alive, women all over the world will want him and desire him”
“That’s ok as I will be the most attractive woman he will only have eyes for me”
Pooof: she became the most beautiful woman alive
“And for your 3rd wish?” said the genie
Helen thought for a while, remembering the ten times more thing she said “I would like to experience a mild heart attack!!!”
This goes to show that women are smarter than men……very good ladies!
If you are a women please end here, if you are a man please scroll down.
Yes gentlemen her husband experienced a heart attack 10 times milder than his wife, this just goes to prove that women are not the smarter sex, but let’s not tell them……just enjoy the show.
If you are a lady reading this, be a sweetie and put the kettle on.
One day she found a lamp in the street and as you do she gave it a little rub.
Sure enough a genie popped out and said “I will grant you three wishes, but I must warn you that with each wish, your husband will experience 10 times worth”
Thinking about it for a few seconds she accepted the offer and said
“Make me the richest woman in the world”
The genie said “you do realise that your husband will become ten times richer than you”
“That’s OK, we have been married for 15 years, we are a couple, what is mine is his and his is mine”
Poooof: she became the richest woman in the world
“For my next wish I want you to make me the most beautiful woman in the world”
You do realise that this will make your husband the most attractive man alive, women all over the world will want him and desire him”
“That’s ok as I will be the most attractive woman he will only have eyes for me”
Pooof: she became the most beautiful woman alive
“And for your 3rd wish?” said the genie
Helen thought for a while, remembering the ten times more thing she said “I would like to experience a mild heart attack!!!”
This goes to show that women are smarter than men……very good ladies!
If you are a women please end here, if you are a man please scroll down.
Yes gentlemen her husband experienced a heart attack 10 times milder than his wife, this just goes to prove that women are not the smarter sex, but let’s not tell them……just enjoy the show.
If you are a lady reading this, be a sweetie and put the kettle on.
New Chairman for Microsoft Europe
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun Doshi an Indian (Gujrati) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave.
500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?'
So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says `kem chhho'
The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun Doshi an Indian (Gujrati) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave.
500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?'
So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says `kem chhho'
The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'
Good Place to Masturbate
The doc told him that masturba*ting before sex often helped men last longer the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,
"What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "Came the reply,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago"
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,
"What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "Came the reply,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago"
Good news
A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, 'Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?'
The man says, 'The good news.'
The doctor frowns and says, 'The good news is we're naming it after you.'
The man says, 'The good news.'
The doctor frowns and says, 'The good news is we're naming it after you.'
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex!!!
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser.”
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser.”
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Retired people
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Free Ride
A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"
The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.
Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.
Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.
Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.
Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Sex Education
A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school.
As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies.
He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question."
Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was.
The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong.
She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"
As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies.
He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question."
Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was.
The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong.
She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"
James Bond in heaven
M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven.
When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking.
"M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.
She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response.
"Is James there yet?" asks M.
Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking !"
When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking.
"M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.
She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response.
"Is James there yet?" asks M.
Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking !"
It's a toothbrush!
A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.
"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.
"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
Thou shall not steal
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'
Perception - Woman Vs Man
Women Friends chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of for*play. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of for*play. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
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