A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, 'Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?'
The man says, 'The good news.'
The doctor frowns and says, 'The good news is we're naming it after you.'
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex!!!
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser.”
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser.”
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Retired people
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Free Ride
A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"
The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.
Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.
Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.
Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.
Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Sex Education
A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school.
As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies.
He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question."
Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was.
The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong.
She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"
As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies.
He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question."
Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was.
The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong.
She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"
James Bond in heaven
M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven.
When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking.
"M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.
She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response.
"Is James there yet?" asks M.
Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking !"
When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.
The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking.
"M asks her if Bond has reached there yet.
She replies that he hasn't.
M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response.
"Is James there yet?" asks M.
Again the answer is no.
M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.
"Hello, Mary speaking !"
It's a toothbrush!
A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed.
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.
"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."
The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"
Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother.
"Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush! "
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
Thou shall not steal
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'
Perception - Woman Vs Man
Women Friends chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of for*play. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of for*play. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Three Sisters
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day and to save their parents money,
they also resolved to spend their honeymoon nights at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep so, she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, She slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her daughters about last night's noises.
well, Mom," the eldest replied,"you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"Mom, you told me that if it tickled, I should laugh," replied the next daughter..
"Now it's your turn honey," she said turning to the youngest.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me
"never to talk with my mouth full"
they also resolved to spend their honeymoon nights at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep so, she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, She slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her daughters about last night's noises.
well, Mom," the eldest replied,"you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"Mom, you told me that if it tickled, I should laugh," replied the next daughter..
"Now it's your turn honey," she said turning to the youngest.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me
"never to talk with my mouth full"
Daytime affair - Hilarious
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the n*de?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the n*de?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".
Different kind of SEX
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.
A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in
with a password.
Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"pen*s".
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the
computer replied...:
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.
with a password.
Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"pen*s".
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the
computer replied...:
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.
Sex Attempts
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
Different types of bra's
Poisonous BRA --- coBRA
Mathemetical BRA---- algeBRA
striped BRA---- zeBRA
strongestBRA- --- vertiBRA
sunsignBRA-- -- liBRA
magical(invisible) BRA---aBRA ka daBRA
Mathemetical BRA---- algeBRA
striped BRA---- zeBRA
strongestBRA- --- vertiBRA
sunsignBRA-- -- liBRA
magical(invisible) BRA---aBRA ka daBRA
Meaning Of Names
A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
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