Three sisters decided to get married on the same day and to save their parents money,
they also resolved to spend their honeymoon nights at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep so, she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.
"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, She slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen,
after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her daughters about last night's noises.
well, Mom," the eldest replied,"you always said if it hurt I should scream."
"Mom, you told me that if it tickled, I should laugh," replied the next daughter..
"Now it's your turn honey," she said turning to the youngest.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me
"never to talk with my mouth full"
Daytime affair - Hilarious
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the n*de?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the n*de?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".
Different kind of SEX
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.
A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in
with a password.
Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"pen*s".
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the
computer replied...:
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.
with a password.
Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"pen*s".
His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the
computer replied...:
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH!.
Sex Attempts
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
Different types of bra's
Poisonous BRA --- coBRA
Mathemetical BRA---- algeBRA
striped BRA---- zeBRA
strongestBRA- --- vertiBRA
sunsignBRA-- -- liBRA
magical(invisible) BRA---aBRA ka daBRA
Mathemetical BRA---- algeBRA
striped BRA---- zeBRA
strongestBRA- --- vertiBRA
sunsignBRA-- -- liBRA
magical(invisible) BRA---aBRA ka daBRA
Meaning Of Names
A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
Growing Wild
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
Turning him on
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"
Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
WHY TEACHERS GET HEADACHES...
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!
-------
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!
-------
Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
-------
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
-------
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
-------
Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-------
Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
-------
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Don: I hope you didn't either.
-------
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
-------
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
-------
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
-------
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
-------
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
-------
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-------
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
-------
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
-------
Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you have?
Sasha: A new bike.
-------
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
-------
Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!
-------
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!
-------
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!
-------
Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
-------
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
-------
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
-------
Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-------
Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
-------
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Don: I hope you didn't either.
-------
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
-------
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
-------
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
-------
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
-------
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
-------
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-------
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
-------
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
-------
Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you have?
Sasha: A new bike.
-------
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
-------
Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!
-------
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
Friendliest animal
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:
1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
Proper Manners
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very well, my darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the c*nt?
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very well, my darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the c*nt?
Blonde Daycare
A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids.
She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"
The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."
The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.
The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."
The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"
The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."
She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"
The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."
The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.
The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."
The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"
The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."
Promise
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
War is War
Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food.", the young soldier said.
"But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is War, bring us the food"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman"
"But everyone has left the village. The onle female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."
Then Granny says, "But, War is War!!"
"Bring us some food.", the young soldier said.
"But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is War, bring us the food"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman"
"But everyone has left the village. The onle female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."
Then Granny says, "But, War is War!!"
Soap dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled , he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs ,
then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled , he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs ,
then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"
The Art of Appraisal
Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".
John: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
John: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
John: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
John: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
John: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
John: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
John: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
John: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
John: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
John: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
John: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .
John: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
John: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
John: *faints*
John: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
John: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
John: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
John: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
John: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
John: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
John: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
John: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
John: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
John: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
John: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .
John: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
John: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
John: *faints*
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