Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
Turning him on
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"
Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
WHY TEACHERS GET HEADACHES...
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!
-------
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!
-------
Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
-------
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
-------
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
-------
Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-------
Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
-------
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Don: I hope you didn't either.
-------
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
-------
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
-------
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
-------
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
-------
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
-------
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-------
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
-------
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
-------
Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you have?
Sasha: A new bike.
-------
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
-------
Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!
-------
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!
-------
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!
-------
Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
-------
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
-------
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
-------
Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-------
Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
-------
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Don: I hope you didn't either.
-------
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
-------
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
-------
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
-------
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
-------
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
-------
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
Ellen: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-------
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
-------
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior: You said it was my lunch money.
-------
Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you have?
Sasha: A new bike.
-------
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.
-------
Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!
-------
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
Friendliest animal
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:
1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
Proper Manners
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very well, my darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the c*nt?
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very well, my darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the c*nt?
Blonde Daycare
A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids.
She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"
The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."
The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.
The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."
The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"
The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."
She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"
The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."
The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.
The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."
The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"
The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."
Promise
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
War is War
Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food.", the young soldier said.
"But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is War, bring us the food"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman"
"But everyone has left the village. The onle female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."
Then Granny says, "But, War is War!!"
"Bring us some food.", the young soldier said.
"But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is War, bring us the food"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman"
"But everyone has left the village. The onle female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."
Then Granny says, "But, War is War!!"
Soap dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled , he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs ,
then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled , he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs ,
then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"
The Art of Appraisal
Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".
John: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
John: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
John: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
John: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
John: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
John: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
John: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
John: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
John: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
John: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
John: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .
John: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
John: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
John: *faints*
John: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
John: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
John: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
John: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
John: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
John: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
John: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
John: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
John: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
John: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
John: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .
John: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
John: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
John: *faints*
Best at folding a parachute
An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"
Grabbing nose
One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"
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