Blonde Daycare

A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids.

She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?"

The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own."

The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.

The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center."

The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?"

The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge."

2 days ago

Promise

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

War is War

Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.

"Bring us some food.", the young soldier said.
"But I have only half a loaf of bread"
"War is War, bring us the food"
So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine"
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is War, bring us the wine"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman"
"But everyone has left the village. The onle female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is War, bring her to us"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."

Then Granny says, "But, War is War!!"

Soap dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled , he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs ,
then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

John: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

John: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

John: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

John: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

John: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

John: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

John: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

John: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

John: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

John: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

John: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .

John: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

John: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

John: *faints*

Iron Women

Ninja Strippers

New Seatbelts - 45% less car accidents

Best at folding a parachute

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.

The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.

Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"

Grabbing nose

One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.

Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."

She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"

Horse limousine

Good girls on earth

Blonde taking notes

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~""Nice arse."

"I'm a Romantic."
~~""I'm poor."

"I need you."
~~""My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."
~~""I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
~~""I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~""You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
~~""So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
~~""3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."
~~""I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her."
~~""She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much."
~~""I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"
~~""I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~""Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~""Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
~~""I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."
~~""Get tested."

""I'll give you a call."
~~""I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
~~""You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
~~""You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."
~~""Next!!!!"

"I'm on a long "distance call, can you call me later?"
~~"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Contradiction

Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction?
Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb!
There always exist two sides of the same coin!
You be the better judge…


All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for none.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free.
BUT
There's no such thing as a free (best) lunch.

Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for none.

Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.

Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Sandwich Porn

Redneck Mom's Letter To Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Beggars in London

Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.

Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Javed shows Habib his sign...

It reads:

'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.

Hillbilly woman

A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.

"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go sh*t in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."